jhameia: ME! (Default)
In other news, I can't concentrate worth spit, I swam 15 laps today.

The Zagster station near my house (a parking lot by a sportsfield) had NO bikes today, so I walked to campus to scan a thing, then nabbed a bike near the closest residence to go to the bank and FedEx shop. This took a lot out of me, it seems.

=/ I don't know what to do with myself. I open all my files and stare at the words, and re-read everything I write, but somehow this is harder than it ought to be. It's very frustrating.
jhameia: ME! (Default)
- I have an interview this morning with the University Writing Program, since I don't have a TAship for next quarter.

- Went to Los Angeles yesterday. Took the Lyft for the first time to the Metrolink, which was good, and again to the Consulate's visa office. I expected a long line but nope, I was first in line. I can go get back my passport on Friday but since I won't have time, I'll just go again next Tuesday.

I found the Metro train just a block away and went back to Union Station, after fretting about getting bus money which led to the purchase of some baked goods. So when I went to the temple in Chinatown, I left the baked goods at the last altar (it's a shabby altar for forgotten souls). I burned some paper money. I sat and meditated for a while. People were still visiting it as tourists, like any other normal day.

Then I went to Homegirl Cafe where I bought a baked good for myself, went to lunch at Union Station, played some Pokemon Go, caught the train home. Decided that if the #16 bus came to the Metrolink first, I'd go to campus and do my GSA office hours. If not, I'll go home and nap. The #16 came.

I graded on the train and the rest of the day. The first batch of 30 papers will be done by this afternoon. They're pretty terrible papers (a lot of students trying to coast by on not having read the Iliad) so it's a bit easy to grade since I don't have to parse what's wrong and what's accurate.

- Besides the interview today, I have two more meetings.

- Yesterday, I called the Mayor's office to ask about whether the International Student Friendly Taskforce is going to issue a statement on the election. The person in charge of it isn't in town so I'll call back next week, but the official DID tell me that it's usually not the Mayor's habit to comment on national issues. To which I said, "oh, hm," because I was really just experimenting on how easy it is to call the Mayor's office.

- I spent the weekend crying a lot.
jhameia: ME! (Default)
- been only getting five hours sleep lately, which is frustrating. I go to sleep at regular hours but I'll have a disturbed sleep or something. Today I felt like such complete rubbish I had to go home right after lecture. I slept for about two hours and still feel like rubbish. I was looking forward to Grad Club Night but just couldn't handle the idea of being around strangers, because I felt like a stranger in my own body.

I don't really know what to do about it right now. All I know is that it's interfering with my work and it's frustrating. And somewhat anxiety-inducing. But that sort of makes the disassociation even worse?? Ugh.
jhameia: ME! (Default)
- I have encountered more cockroaches in the ten days living here than I have my entire three years at my last apartment. The other night when I was sleepless? I saw FOUR. Granted they ranged from extremely tiny (2mm) to rather small (1cm) but they are still there. I feel I've been finding one once a day since. It's aggravating. I had lizards in my last apartment and I wish I brought them over. (Especially since one of them was calm enough to let me pet it.)

- I feel strangely about the apartment set up. The front door opens to a closet, and we currently have a couch against the wall close to the door, so it feels kind of bottle-necked there. It doesn't seem like something I could go in and out of. The walkway to the door passes the front windows of the neighbours, and that makes me feel strange. Supposedly this means my side has more privacy but I don't feel that way.

- Last night, while walking with YL (and her German bf) to the bustop to go downtown, we passed a woman on a bench, who yelled at us racist invectives, that we should go back to China, and that China's trying to take over. I yelled back at her, 'and we'd be good at it' and YL also told her to fuck off. Fifty-years, with a deep tan, and she stopped after I yelled at her. I don't think she expected us to talk back.

This is literally the first time I've had racist bullshit thrown at me on the street (usually it's catcalling, and even that's rare enough for me to not notice), and I wonder if it would have happened if I had been alone. (I walk like I might murder people.) I'm slightly pissed that this happened on YL's literal 4th day in the States. She doesn't seem to have minded much, and spent the rest of the evening crowing about how much she likes Riverside.

- Oh but I'm still feeling very out of sorts.
jhameia: ME! (Default)
Dear brain,

It would be nice if you could do the following
1) actually prepare for sleep around 10pm or so instead of shutting down and forgetting we are not actually asleep;
2) concentrate on the exercise where we count our breaths instead of ricocheting all over the place;
3) stop blanking out on prioritized work in favour of things that are not immediately of concern.

Thanks.
jhameia: ME! (Default)
- Spot quiz today

- Practically ran off afterwards to Dr. Vint's class where Sabrina Vourvoulias and Fabio Fernandes were skyping in, which was quite exciting. I live-tweeted the thing and Storified it.

- PK and I went to lunch afterwards and worked on ICFA abstracts. We then went to Coffee Bean to continue.

- AP called at some point wondering if I had time to go shopping with her for Halloween stuff. But alas, she called when PK and I were working on abstracts.

I have a draft abstract which I think is okay. Tomorrow I'll put together a bib because bibs are mandatory for ICFA proposals which is kinda weird to me.

- I also accomplished a couple more paragraphs in my newest short story. Still haven't quite figured out how to segue into the main conflict.

- I feel really tired still, and heartache-y. It's getting annoying.

- I got my shipment of STEAMPUNK WORLD books!! I'm pretty sure the MOTHERSHIP books are in too. Gotta get them tomorrow.

- I also get to dogsit for HH tomorrow. so there's something.
jhameia: ME! (Totes Me!)
Maybe I just don't like the material, but I am having a ton of difficulty with these readings for Phi Sci and Directed Studies. It's all science stuff, which I really, honestly, do not have the least bit interest in. Coupled with the fact that I am still not really recovered from last quarter, am on my period, and am just generally fatigued, concentration is not a thing.

I've also been napping for inordinately LONG amounts of time. Which is weird, because last week I didn't need to nap this much, but this week it's like I just do not want to crawl out of bed. Ever. There is some crazy aggressive distaste to waking up in the afternoon that my body is displaying. I may bring this up to my doctor next time I see her.

Tomorrow there's a plant sale at the Botanic Gardens. I went hiking this morning which was nice, and tomorrow will see TX to help her proofread. There's also a conference going on right now, which is free to attend, and there's a postcolonialism session later in the day, so I may just pop in. We'll see.

I am so tired and I need to stop being so tired.
jhameia: ME! (Totes Me!)
I am STILL sneezing and sniffling.
I suspect the visitations of a neighbourhood cat are not helping. But REALLY, this sneezing SHOULD be done by now! It is getting old. At least I'm somewhat caught up on reading. My brain refused to work last weekend, which was very frustrating, but I stuck it out.

The stress isn't helping either. I am convinced that the quarter system is what drives students here crazy. And keeping me sick. Everytime I go home I'm just exhausted, although that could be the sick.

I'm not caught up on my exegesis for my feminist theory class as a result of the sickness last week and the brain-not-working last weekend. Which sucks because I really should be doing them every week. I owe exegesis for:
- Butler's Precarious Life
- Cheah Pheng's thing on Spivak
- Spivak's Can The Subaltern Speak?
- Kristeva's thing on abjection

I also have a 20-page paper due at the end of March and BLEH.

I'm thinking very hard about what to do next quarter. I'm signed up for a Philosophy of Science course and a SEAsian Lit class. The latter is more for the fact that Dr. M is going to be on my exam committee so I feel I ought to take a class with him. Should be fun; he's a really chill sort of prof. But then what to take for my third graduate class? Go to Anthro and get my Social Science req done? Or do a self-directed studies? I'm thinking of trying to have my Ethnic Studies class counted as a Social Science, and I might take the second part of the class next quarter if I feel I have brainspace. It'll be fun. If I can handle this quarter with a shit-ton of grading to do, teaching, AND 12 grad credits, I should be fine next quarter.

For my religious studies seminar I decided to write on Chinese pai shen practices. Not sure what on, exactly, but maybe altars? I'm going to the library tomorrow and we'll see what kind of material i have to work with. I'm also conducting some email interviews with Malaysian-Chinese or Singaporean Chinese folk who would be willing to talk about their religious practices too.

Gah! Gotta get my WisCon membership too. And think about what cons, if any, I'm going to attend this year. I really want to do Salt City Steam Fest and GearCon but haven't said anything to the con chairs. I also might be working on revising my MRP in summer? And there's a book review Dr. L wants me to do for SF Studies too.

Too much thinking! Must sleep.
jhameia: ME! (Default)
Depression is here again.

I'm mostly OK, just been having trouble getting out of bed and generally doing anything in the house. At most I'll be able to accomplish one thing I can consider "major" (like, a trip to the post office). I've also had a few pangs of loneliness, the heart-achey kind, which is kind of annoying, tbh.

It.... might have something to do with how I reacted to accidentally burning my oven mitt this afternoon (as in... I left the oven mitt on a burner, turned on the stove to what I THOUGHT was the burner with the pot, and.... actually turned on the burner on which the mitt sat on. And then there was the smell of SMOKE! and FIRE! FIRE! MY OVEN MITT IS ON ACTUAL FIRE! LIKE BURNING! BRIGHT ORANGE FLAME SORT OF BURNING! And I threw it to the ground and threw a cloth on it and THAT WASN'T EXACTLY PUTTING OUT THE FIRE! And so I stomped on it and put out the fire. Rawr. But that didn't really save the oven mitt which is now 85% ashes and the rest of it crumbly) and I spent like two hours shouting at the injustice of now having smoke and ashes permeating my apartment.

Good thing it's summer though, because I have all the windows open.

I'm making very slow progress on this dress I'm drafting right now, which is a bit annoying, but I've never made any pockets on my own before, and I may have done this wrong? All the pockets I have in skirts are reinforced in the waistband, and this dress doesn't have a waistband... it doesn't even have a lining, which might help. I'll have to jury-rig something, I think, from the remaining lining I've got.

Going to Toronto tomorrow to check out a store that has African fabrics... really excited about it! The friend who's introducing it to me, Priscilla, is a steampunk POC who's also a huge Yinka Shonibare fan, and she's done a cool Steampunk Storm cosplay. In return, I'm introducing her to Hamilton's fabric district.

Wednesday, lunch with another friend. Hopefully I'll feel better by Thursday, so I can bounce back.

Other things to do:
- Call Rogers to cancel my phone account
- Call the electricity company down in California to start a new account for when I get there
- Call Cogeco and let them know I'm moving, and also, tell V that he needs to call Cogeco himself to cancel the account. He's basically been paying for my internet connection for the last year, which is kind of bizarre. Either way, I'll have to let Cogeco know that this ish is up.
- Send off more books! I think the remaining books are fairly manageable, just gonna put them into a couple of small boxes.
- Figure out how to ship the DVD player, CDs and DVDs, because yeah, kinda forgot about them
- figure out what to do with this awesome helmet
- Write that fucking Watch City Fest con report omfg!

ETA: Oh! Before I forget to note this AGAIN: I really should email Dr. Andrea Smith to find out if she's offering any classes this year! Still not hot on California, but if anything, I'm still very very excited to be on the same campus as Nalo Hopkinson and Andrea Smith!!!!! Gosh, two heroes in different yet overlapping spheres in one space, I might explode of fangirlities.
jhameia: ME! (Default)
It's a good thing I'm keeping busy hands with sewing, because my brain is suffering that disconnect I only get when it's a depression period.

Well fuck you too brain. I'mma show you I can still be productive even without your cooperation.
jhameia: ME! (Default)
Under a cut to spare your f-list )

So, apparently, my brain on depression = CRACKTASTIC PLOTZ UTTERLY UNUSABLE FOR FIC
jhameia: ME! (Default)
After over a year of not hearing from him, all it took was one friendly overture to him and Nick Ottens (remember him? Of Victoriental fame) had to plug his cluelessness right into my blog. And I got so angry, compounded by other shit that happened at SteamCon.

And via a long thought process, I found out how to make origami lotus and found some origami jewelry.

My mood is slightly better now, but I'm still undersleeping for no reason, am depressed, can't focus on anything (at least I get a paragraph of my statement of interest done a day?) AND have my period.

>:{
jhameia: ME! (Fangirlism)
Still in a bad place.

However, I had a semi-decent day. Even if it started off with tutorials that could have gone better than they did. Still, I have two star pupils which makes everything better. Also, our Vox Populi talk, for which I handle food, went really well, and Queer and Trans Theory class went well too.

I'm kinda annoyed at this single status thing, or even general lack of offline best-friend, because I could use a good cuddle. I wonder if I could find Sean online to bitch him out? For breaking up with me, of course. Tryin' to fix what ain't broke nonsense.

Thanks for the e-hugs, though <3

On a different note, I love this song, and the general look of this video, but those chicks are damned distracting to look at, especially when it would be nice to have seen more of Shane Lynch (who was always my secret favourite) (he's still the bad boy, doin' the nude thing, which they all should have done):



Also, She-ra is gonna start playing on Toon Retro every Friday night!!!

Ah, fuck.

Jan. 16th, 2011 09:56 pm
jhameia: ME! (Default)
So, in the summer of '08 I was working on a costume of Agatha's Signal dress and it went swimmingly. Kinda. As in, I got together the major pieces. I used pieces of spandex and chiffon, and bought chain with Tristan helping.

UNFORTUNATELY, over the last two years since I started on the costume, I put on weight. As in, substantial amounts of weight. This was noticeable when I went with Tristan to the Bead Pod and he had to help me into the costume, where it was demonstrated just how much weight I had put on. He said I definitely looked more boobtastic than ever before.

If it had just been the boobtasticness, that would have been FINE, except I've also added waist size.

I don't have enough material to let out the dress, because it wasn't material folded in so much as it is carefully measure straps.

And since I'm also getting tight in my everyday clothes, I guess it's time to hit the gym. And by gum I will lose inches off me even if I have to cut down on eating (well, I should anyway... it's literally comfort food at this point).

I'm having trouble concentrating on ANYTHING, hence the crafting. I've patched the heels of two pairs of socks, and converted a pair of gloves into fingerless gloves. I've ALSO sewn back on some buttons and sealed some holes on my sweaters. I took pictures of my socks! I shall post them in a bit. I'm really happy with how they turned out. I couldn't darn them because they're synthetic and I didn't have the appropriate thread, so instead I gave up some of the more damaged socks.

So. I'm just pissed in general at my size.

Also, I'm pissed at my futon too. I need a new bed. I'm tired of waking up with shoulder aches.

And I'm just generally been in a bad mood.

Ugh.

Jan. 9th, 2011 01:56 pm
jhameia: ME! (Default)
My brother sent me and my dad Amy Chua's racist screed on how her abusive parenting skills are better and inherently Chinese, because he'd "never thought about it that way before" and I had to remind them both that it's racist, Orientalist, and abusive on several levels, plus it's a fucked up, terrible interpretation of Chinese ancestor worship. My dad emailed back laughing and said apparently my mom thinks she had a hand at all in my getting cum laude in my BA.

cut for personal angry stuff )

IN SUM, FUCK THIS SHIT. I AM GOING TO SCHOOL TO FINISH MY ESSAY FOR NISI, MY PROPOSAL, AND READ JUDITH BUTLER.
jhameia: ME! (Default)
Things I got done today:

Wrote two blog posts for Blog Against Disablism Day. Finished my analysis of Gaslight Dogs. Packed up my place a little bit more. Talks to Amy about the possibility of keeping my stuff at her garage for the three weeks I'm gone. Found two small boxes in my storage. Found out my helmet won't be able to fit into my luggage for the States. Found my handcannon does. Made a few more decisions on what to keep and what to throw out.

Tomorrow: Keep printer. Pack away speakers, and leftover clothing items. Take pictures of furniture to post on Kijiji. Pack clothing I'm giving to donation. Figure out what pants I'm wearing for my trip because Jeans are too uncomfy for long periods of sitting down. Buy ticket from Chicago to Stevens Point. Figure out how to get to Madison. Maybe call my dad's friend.

Been having trouble focusing lately. Needing sugar to drive me. Bad thing.

Must do self-care.

Blargh

Mar. 2nd, 2010 09:51 pm
jhameia: ME! (Sparklez for Efferyvun!)
Last night was pretty much an existential mess for me, because I tried writing the counter-Victorientalism article for Allegra (of Steampunk Magazine) and I just ended up so goddamn angry. I left a post at Steampunk Empire that was filled of contempt, but people seemed to not mind it. Then I bitched and whined to [livejournal.com profile] dmp who was her usual saintly self. After talking to her, I felt much better, and got a much better grip on how to write the article, although it won't be for a while since I feel the need to do some research. Apparently I like to make life difficult for myself.

Today, was shite. I was all prepped to go out and find a job, was gonna pop by the Atlantica to ask if they had any minimum wage jobs and then down to Supertemp, and .... I couldn't. I sort of hyperventilated at the idea. It wasn't fun.

However, I did get started on the counter-Victorientalism article and an A:TLA essay. Also, Jeff Vandermeer emailed asking if I would like to contribute 200 words for the question, "What do you expect in the future of steampunk?" for the Steampunk Reloaded anthology. Mike Perschon was supposed to write The Future of Steampunk article, but it wasn't quite what they were looking for. [livejournal.com profile] dmp has been asked too! World of win, here we come!

Speaking of emails, McMaster University emailed me an offer of admission. I'm still a bit in shock. I should get in touch with York to see how my application is doing. McMaster would be awesome, but my first choice is still York.
jhameia: ME! (Totes Me!)
Because I am going through depression right now, and needed a pick-me-up. This clip makes me cry ALL THE TIME. It's one of the most packed clips within the entire movie, which is in itself one of the most thoughtful movies I've ever seen. For your pleasure and convenience, I've also transcribed it under the cut.

This clip is NSFW. Sook-Yin Lee was almost fired from her job for participating in the unsimulated sex in this movie.



Transcription )
jhameia: ME! (Totes Me!)
I got terminated from my job. Before anybody else asks, the marketing department had to go through some re-shuffling, and my position was terminated, they had to let me go. I've got a month's pay and no other job prospects.

I'm surprised because I thought my boss had called me in to give me something else to do.

At the same time I'm not surprised because I'd already said, I don't quite enjoy marketing and the 9-5 was a trial for me, and besides, things were quieting down in the department, leaving me to twiddle my thumbs.

They were really nice about it. I'm upset, not because I loved that particular job, but because I really liked working for those people. It's nice to be surrounded by functional people daily.

Before I left, my boss said to me, "You're a great writer, Jaymee. Find something that has to do with that."

I don't think she really got how much being in the company was good for my soul. Even if I was getting hard hit towards the end. I'm glad I got the chance to work there, and bummed, because the next job I have? probably wouldn't be as good.

Because I get too whiney and self-piteous, I am now going to calculate my privilege, to make myself realize that I can get through this and figure out wtf to do next:

- I still have monies. Assuming I'm not a moron and a spendthrift for the next while, it should last me for the next eight months.

- I do not have any life-threatening diseases and/or conditions that I have to deal with very badly. As such, I will ensure I DO NOT GET SICK.

- Assuming shit does down, I can go home. I always have that choice.

Now to get my shit in order, I will be doing the following to keep me busy:

- Write my novel.

- Work on grad apps. Not like I have anything distracting me now.

- Work on blog posts for tor.com and my regular blog.

- Find some modeling gigs. (Yeah, like that's going to keep me afloat!)

- Find my fucking gloves from Milan which ought to be in this apartment somewhere but are not showing up. Which translates into, clean this fucking house.

'Scuse me, I need to get to work.
jhameia: ME! (Default)
I feel like complete and utter shit tonight, so I am going to post this to make myself feel better. Of course, first it has to drag me through the mud, but then the rains come, and everything becomes pristine clear:



I will culminate this by reading my favourite bit of The Color Purple.

"God love everything you love - and a mess of stuff you don't. But more than anything else, God love admiration.

You saying God vain? I ast.

Naw, she say. Not vain, just wanting to share a good thing. I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it."

I know it's kinda odd that a totally non-religious person's favourite bit in a book is about religion, but I like it, a lot.

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