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'Til I can get my - Satisfaction
Ever since I cut my hair, I've been feeling dissatisfied with myself. I wasn't ready to go for a huge change like that, for one. I feel like it should have been a more special occasion, a better reason, like the beginning of a new life for me. A bigger fanfare should have accompanied it, not the quiver of excitement that I got from the few friends surrounding me at the time, and my best friend wasn't even there to witness it (nor did she get excited at all when I told her about it, and I had to approach her with the pictures rather than she asking me because I guess she doesn't care as much these days).
Secondly, for such a drastic cut, and a huge step of dyeing my entire head, it's not a very great colour. It's a nice brown, to be sure, and it's got lighter brown layers. It's - well, it's nice. But it's not fabulous. I feel like a regular person dyeing their hair some other colour that's close to their natural colour but not quite, and that's just silly. The problem with dyeing is that if one really likes the colour, one has to maintain it, and that's about forty to fifty dollars every few months. It's a little annoying, personally.
Thirdly, for a drastic cut and dye-job, nothing really permanently beautiful was done to it. The reason why I stuck with long hair was because my hair's naturally straight, and I figured that if I could never pull off the curly-haired diva (because perms are never permanent), I could do the long-haired elegant diva. Hence why I stuck with it. But now with it short, I could supposedly do more with it, but how could it matter when the next day it just goes back to what it was? I could texture my hair, but that's $150 a year to keep curly. Not to mention I've busted that amount of money on curling products (curlers of different kinds, gels, and a hairdryer) for the sake of curls.
Then there is the realization that yes, in fact, people can fuck with my appearance. While I do like playing Little Dollie once in a while, I realize that once I get into acting and theatre, and if I do get into modelling, what people see is what they can control. This is an uncomfortable fact: my hair, which I previously thought was my own and something no one can fuck with, apparently is not out of bounds for criticism.
Because of all this, I've been feeling... guilty. For being vain. This has never happened before. Before this, I could check myself out in the mirror and I'd see humour in being vain. But this is me going out of my way to be beautiful in my own ideal and when I don't succeed I end up feeling like I'm defeated, somehow. Then when I do succeed, after the initial euphoria I feel bad for having actually spent so much effort in being vain.
It's like I spent so much time building up a mask and I'm proud of it, when I should be proud of who / what I am without the mask.
It doesn't help when people seem to love how I look now. That my hair is healthier looking doesn't seem to mean anything to me since I can't really see it. That I look nicer with makeup on makes me feel like I constantly need enhancers just to be seen as pretty. It's like I need to put effort into making people like what they see. I don't understand how this works when I've never felt this way before.
Just as I was sick of people telling me that "my hair's too long, get it cut", so am I now sick of "your hair's so pretty now". As much as it's positive attention, I'd like it to be for something that I chose for myself: shoulder-length, straight (boring) brown hair isn't what I bargained for.
Therefore, I shall take advantage of Melanie's offer of a free re-colouring job. I'm going to get my head coloured a very deep violet and layered with magenta. I was looking at the colour swatches while at Stanhope the other day and I'm terrifically excited about that.
I am also going to get some more product to hold my hair in place whenever I curl it myself (pillow rollers are actually really good) and I'm still going to experiment with the other curlers I've bought.
I am going to stop reaching for the damned foundation everytime I'm at the mirror.
I have already done something that adds a piece to myself, something that no one could ever possibly fuck with, EVER, and if they try to, I will personally cut them off from my life very violently (in a verbal sense). More on this later, and I promise it'll be awesome.
Secondly, for such a drastic cut, and a huge step of dyeing my entire head, it's not a very great colour. It's a nice brown, to be sure, and it's got lighter brown layers. It's - well, it's nice. But it's not fabulous. I feel like a regular person dyeing their hair some other colour that's close to their natural colour but not quite, and that's just silly. The problem with dyeing is that if one really likes the colour, one has to maintain it, and that's about forty to fifty dollars every few months. It's a little annoying, personally.
Thirdly, for a drastic cut and dye-job, nothing really permanently beautiful was done to it. The reason why I stuck with long hair was because my hair's naturally straight, and I figured that if I could never pull off the curly-haired diva (because perms are never permanent), I could do the long-haired elegant diva. Hence why I stuck with it. But now with it short, I could supposedly do more with it, but how could it matter when the next day it just goes back to what it was? I could texture my hair, but that's $150 a year to keep curly. Not to mention I've busted that amount of money on curling products (curlers of different kinds, gels, and a hairdryer) for the sake of curls.
Then there is the realization that yes, in fact, people can fuck with my appearance. While I do like playing Little Dollie once in a while, I realize that once I get into acting and theatre, and if I do get into modelling, what people see is what they can control. This is an uncomfortable fact: my hair, which I previously thought was my own and something no one can fuck with, apparently is not out of bounds for criticism.
Because of all this, I've been feeling... guilty. For being vain. This has never happened before. Before this, I could check myself out in the mirror and I'd see humour in being vain. But this is me going out of my way to be beautiful in my own ideal and when I don't succeed I end up feeling like I'm defeated, somehow. Then when I do succeed, after the initial euphoria I feel bad for having actually spent so much effort in being vain.
It's like I spent so much time building up a mask and I'm proud of it, when I should be proud of who / what I am without the mask.
It doesn't help when people seem to love how I look now. That my hair is healthier looking doesn't seem to mean anything to me since I can't really see it. That I look nicer with makeup on makes me feel like I constantly need enhancers just to be seen as pretty. It's like I need to put effort into making people like what they see. I don't understand how this works when I've never felt this way before.
Just as I was sick of people telling me that "my hair's too long, get it cut", so am I now sick of "your hair's so pretty now". As much as it's positive attention, I'd like it to be for something that I chose for myself: shoulder-length, straight (boring) brown hair isn't what I bargained for.
Therefore, I shall take advantage of Melanie's offer of a free re-colouring job. I'm going to get my head coloured a very deep violet and layered with magenta. I was looking at the colour swatches while at Stanhope the other day and I'm terrifically excited about that.
I am also going to get some more product to hold my hair in place whenever I curl it myself (pillow rollers are actually really good) and I'm still going to experiment with the other curlers I've bought.
I am going to stop reaching for the damned foundation everytime I'm at the mirror.
I have already done something that adds a piece to myself, something that no one could ever possibly fuck with, EVER, and if they try to, I will personally cut them off from my life very violently (in a verbal sense). More on this later, and I promise it'll be awesome.
no subject
And for art, it's pretty sloppy to not to be able to maintain it.
I love you too, Nico. Why don't we hang out more?!
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Oooooooooh, that sounds so awesome. I can't wait to see pics of that :)
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*hugs*
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