Ugh.

[jhameia]

My brother sent me and my dad Amy Chua's racist screed on how her abusive parenting skills are better and inherently Chinese, because he'd "never thought about it that way before" and I had to remind them both that it's racist, Orientalist, and abusive on several levels, plus it's a fucked up, terrible interpretation of Chinese ancestor worship. My dad emailed back laughing and said apparently my mom thinks she had a hand at all in my getting cum laude in my BA.

This shit pisses me off, on so many fucking levels. I did the Honours program in English at Saint Mary's. I did get a distinction. I did well enough to surprise my family with my induction into the President's Hall of Excellence when they came for my graduation (I told them it was a scholarship party), and I graduated happy and emotionally healthy from SMU.

The thing is, the only thing she had to do with it was give me the money for it and get off my fucking back when I revealed my decision to go to Saint Mary's and not to any other university she approved (which were in Australia and the UK). So to know she's claiming credit for what's essentially my work and effort into my own fucking degree pisses me off:

1) I did well because my family wasn't around. OK? This is hard for my parents to accept. My dad always gets awkward when his friends ask "why so far?" when they discover I went to Canada to do my degree. I'm sure he says something like "her choice" or "that's where she was accepted to" (actually I was also accepted into Northumbria University in England, Lakehead University, University of New Brunswick and York University). When I tell friends that it's because Halifax is literally on the other side of the planet from my family, dissuading them from visiting as often as they might if I had been closer like say Australia, I make it sound like it's a joke, but I am a good actor, even when I tell the fucking truth. Living with my family was awful. My dad, as awesome as he is, does not understand depression. My brother was in Australia at the time and he didn't know how to deal with depression either. My mom refused to acknowledge my mental illness even when I challenged her to take me to a psychiatrist.

2) I did well because I was doing a program I genuinely wanted to do. When I first failed in SPM year my mom sicced my aunt on me. My dad's younger sister who herself hated her own mom and didn't even attend my grandma's funeral AND whom my mother would badmouth behind her back. This aunt told me - TOLD me - that I wasn't a good writer and that I should go into accountancy. This was years ago. This was in 2001. THIS STILL MAKES ME ANGRY. Because I liked my aunt. SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE COOL AUNT. This is after I reiterated several times throughout the course of two years that I wanted to do a degree in English literature.

3) I did well because I knew how to game the system. Yeah, there's a system and I figured it out. After finally understanding how the fuck university calendars work (I didn't get my registration package, and I didn't realize I had to pick my own damn courses and schedule until AFTER I got to Canada. The first person who explained to me roughly how these things worked was a girl I met while waiting in line for registration. Her name was Mary. Thank you, Mary), I sat down and worked out what courses I was going to take over the course of my entire undergrad career. By my second year, I had it all figured out. I also figured out really quickly how to talk to profs and how to feel out what they would expect of me. I knew how to ask whether I could do projects I really wanted and strung together professors' expectations with stuff I genuinely wanted to do.

4) I did well because the medium of my education was in English. I HAVE SHITTY BAHASA SKILLS. That is why I didn't do nearly as well in SPM as I could have. I took Geography as one of my electives and got a C5. I could have done better if the language was in English simply because I retain information in my head better when it's in English, particularly with a subject I didn't particularly care for. But my first language is English and my degree was in English and I thrived in an English-speaking environment, where I wasn't expected to be able to speak other languages. I love English. I have also come to love its varieties and variations and playing with grammar and arbitrary rules and cultural nuances.

5) I did well because I finally had access to a doctor who took my mental health seriously. Doctors specifically for students on-campus?! BLEW MY MIND. Health insurance built into my student fees, privileging me to go see a doctor any damn time I wanted if I could get an appointment? BLEW MY MIND. Not having to worry about paying the doctor and only paying 10% or something of the medicine? BLEW MY MIND. My doctor was sweet, funny, and genuinely concerned for me. If I was just feeling fucking shitty I could set an appointment with her to talk it out. Of course by the time I felt horrible enough to decide I needed to go see the doctor it meant i had hit rock bottom enough for me to be able to climb back out, but STILL, having a doctor who understood my illness and not only was willing to talk to me about it, but was welcoming of it because she genuinely gave a shit, meant SO MUCH for my mental health.

Imagine if I had none of these factors while doing my degree? If I had to remain in my family home, with my mom still yelling at me because I wasn't doing a degree she wanted me to do, making me feel like a failure because I didn't get straight As, calling me "koyak" (broken) just because I didn't score high enough on a subject I liked (I got Bs, never As, with my favourite professor), basically continuing the same conditions that led me to be suicidal during SPM year in the first place, all the way into my undergrad? Either I would have run away from the house, or I would have killed myself. And because I couldn't imagine living away from home, I most likely would have done the latter if things had gotten that bad. And I refuse to be ashamed of this.

So I am fucking angry that she's claiming credit for what's MY work in getting MY distinction in MY undergrad in MY field during which I finally learned how to take care of MY mental and emotional health which contributed significantly to MY success (and in no small way MY coping method for dealing with my mom nowadays). In many ways, it was the non-academic stuff that was WAY harder than school, but if I hadn't done all that FOR AND BY MYSELF, I would not have done as well in school as I did.

IN SUM, FUCK THIS SHIT. I AM GOING TO SCHOOL TO FINISH MY ESSAY FOR NISI, MY PROPOSAL, AND READ JUDITH BUTLER.

Comments

[cephiedvariable.livejournal.com]

That article was a bizarre pile of wtf. It struck me more like she was using the cultural differences in how east asian cultures view academic success- as well as the cultural stereotypes about it- to justify her frankly terrifying parenting techniques. I knew a girl with a "Chinese mother" when I was younger, and her story is pretty similar to yours; she didn't start doing genuinely well until she moved to another country. :P

[trinker.livejournal.com]

I've managed to avoid Amy Chua on parenting so far; it sounds like that's a sanity-preserving measure to be maintained.

I get why your mother claims credit - and it's a horrible, disempowering thing she's doing. (She'll claim credit for everything you do, whether it's in accord with or in reaction against your upbringing. Argh.)

You're managing your escape much better than I did. *Massive* kudos to you.

[trinker.livejournal.com]

I just read the Chua article.

Y'know...I liked her analysis of racial minorities with economic privilege. This thing? GARBAGE. (And, Amy Chua, I'm not saying that lovingly.

[spacehawk.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this post.

[yeloson.livejournal.com]

Yeah, the forthcoming comments of white people speculating about asian culture shit is also slap worthy.

I point out that stressed out overachieving culture is not much different than conservative Christian families in the US with regards to the effects it has on people.

And if I hear one more fucking "asians are robots" bit I'm going to go the fuck off.

[karcy.livejournal.com]

I was really pissed off at that article. So "Let Us Stereotype Ourselves".

I know really traditional Chinese parents, and this is just -- well, there's a variety of ways of bringing up kids Chinese, even with strong Chinese roots.

[februaryfour]

Ouch re: failing the SPM. My brother did too (did well but failed BM). He also double-booked himself somehow when re-sitting the SPM and O-levels (separately sitting them), god knows how/why.

I managed to get GREAT grades in the SPM, but at the expense of losing my ability to do math in any other language. I've got calculus ingrained in Malay in my head and I can do EVERYTHING ELSE in English, but my calculus fails on so many levels it's not even funny. I couldn't do a math major because I couldn't fulfill the calculus requirement because I just couldn't get out of Bahasa.

T_T

[jolantru.livejournal.com]

Gah, gah, gah!

*hugs*

Post Comment

[(Anonymous)]

This is not the news I reported this a couple months ago read.

[ratmmjess.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're dealing with the depression now. I waited until I was in my thirties to do something about mine, and now I feel like my twenties were a wasted decade. Good for you for tackling it now.

[handyhunter.livejournal.com]

I had to go to university in another country too to get away from my parents, who were a lot like Chua.

My dad always gets awkward when his friends ask "why so far?" when they discover I went to Canada to do my degree. I'm sure he says something like "her choice" or "that's where she was accepted to" (actually I was also accepted into Northumbria University in England, Lakehead University, University of New Brunswick and York University). When I tell friends that it's because Halifax is literally on the other side of the planet from my family, dissuading them from visiting as often as they might if I had been closer like say Australia, I make it sound like it's a joke, but I am a good actor, even when I tell the fucking truth.

This rings really true, as does my mother (and dad and grandparents, who also contribute to the pressure and expectations) taking credit for my achievements. They ask if I want to live in the Philippines and my answer is always NO (usually with even more emphasis in my head).

[annaham.livejournal.com]

Oh wow, THAT ARTICLE.

Thank you for sharing this. &hearts

[(Anonymous)]

The thing is that there are actually some new parents who think like her. Being here in SG, I see it all the time. The pressure kids have to go through with their studies - did you know that I have a friend who started sending her SIX MONTH OLD to enrichment classes? She's blardy proud of the fact that her kid can do this and that at his age and we're all like WTH. Another mum in KL mentioned that some parents were surprised that her nearly 2 yo daughter doesn't know any lyrics to any kiddie songs.

Of course, this screams more of competition but inherently, that's what it is. My hubby summed it up best when I told him about this article - "Why is she comparing? The two are not the same just like apples and oranges, so why bother?"

Anyway, if you thought that it would stop at school and what-not, it gets worse when you have children of your own. My mother undermines my authority in my own home and goes all out to spoil and cover my daughter in a little bubble. If I say that my daughter can't take peanuts (coz she's still too young and it's an allergen), my mum gives it anyway. If I let my daughter run loose on rough pavement, my mum freaks out and scolds me ("she can fall, hurt herself, etc, etc"). When I try to explain things to her, I am told to shut up and that she knows better because she has had two children. OMIGOD. Her interference has often done more harm than good. =.=

You moved halfway across the world to study. Me? I'm trying to move halfway across the world to build a family!!!

- Mabel

[dsmoen.livejournal.com]

Over here from Shweta's linking to your blog. Thanks for this post.