Reaching Out

I've been spending most of the holidays in a state of feeling lost and anxious, mostly over things I can't control, but some over things which I could but am not sure what to do about it and whether I can (not as in, can I do it, I'm sure I can, the question is one of sustainability and maintenance). And while I'm getting a kick out of being thoughtful and junk about my future since I should be worrying about that stuff like an adult anyway post-PhD, I'm going to acknowledge also being a bit of an ingrate and not really thinking about people who've made this whole year a good one for me.

My psychiatrist was very gentle with me all through the six months I had her before my medical insurance ran out and I had to move anyway. We tried a bunch of different meds, and out of all of them, Effexor was the best, but I can mostly still function without it. Would try again though.

I reconnected with Pan Jia Ling after 14 years of no contact, by some Twitter coincidence where Grace Fong retweeted a bunch of women artists introducing themselves and I just so happened to catch Jia Ling's in my timeline. She immediately had me come out to Oakland to stay with her and give a talk at her company.

That same week, I also got to attend oyceter's wedding! She and Randy have also been so, so, so good to me. They've let me stay over their place several times, even when I've misread my bus ticket and had to bunk over one more hour, one more night. Then, when I moved to the Bay Area, they let me stay with them for a week while I began working at Tachyon and hunted for a new place to live.

yeloson has also been Homie Extraordinaire™. Over the years he's let me bunk over at his place for days at a time, he's always inviting me to do martial arts training and food and storytelling stuff (I don't grok gaming but trading worldbuilding ideas is always a great time with him). These days I get to eat with him almost weekly. He let me stay over his place too, right before I moved into my new place.

My new roommates have been great and I'm so grateful that they offered the room to me despite the fact that I may not stay here very long. It's nice to live with people who share my sense of geek chic and who take just as much interest in the household as I do. I tend to hide from them a lot because my bedroom faces the dining room, but I do like them a lot!

Since moving to the Bay, I've also gotten to see more of the people I usually only ever see at events like WisCon! I'm pretty happy with that. I miss folks from Riverside, especially my Pokemon Go friends, so it was really exciting when my usual crew came up to visit me! We walked all over UC Berkeley one day, then San Francisco the next, did a ton of raids together.

If not for Emily Jiang talking to Jacob for me about my potentially interning for Tachyon, I wouldn't have been able to just ask Jacob about working there. I mean, I'm sure I would have eventually, but I would have taken longer at it, because it felt a lot like asking for a favour.

Jacob apparently pushed Jill to at least meet with me for an interview, and I think it was a good interview where clearly all our goals were aligned. I'm so grateful to them for giving me that chance! Learning at Tachyon has been so great, and watching how Jacob and Jill work gives me high hopes that this is a thing I could conceivably do in the future myself. I may only go in three days a week, but every day is a good day with good people. After years spent in a dysfunctional space where I had to soothe many fellow grad students, it's been a joy to just come into the office to be with people who love books just because they like books and not because of academic cred, who also like food (a lot of chocolate has been consumed this holiday season), and who also just like their work a lot.

( on other fronts )

- I have an interview this morning with the University Writing Program, since I don't have a TAship for next quarter.

- Went to Los Angeles yesterday. Took the Lyft for the first time to the Metrolink, which was good, and again to the Consulate's visa office. I expected a long line but nope, I was first in line. I can go get back my passport on Friday but since I won't have time, I'll just go again next Tuesday.

I found the Metro train just a block away and went back to Union Station, after fretting about getting bus money which led to the purchase of some baked goods. So when I went to the temple in Chinatown, I left the baked goods at the last altar (it's a shabby altar for forgotten souls). I burned some paper money. I sat and meditated for a while. People were still visiting it as tourists, like any other normal day.

Then I went to Homegirl Cafe where I bought a baked good for myself, went to lunch at Union Station, played some Pokemon Go, caught the train home. Decided that if the #16 bus came to the Metrolink first, I'd go to campus and do my GSA office hours. If not, I'll go home and nap. The #16 came.

I graded on the train and the rest of the day. The first batch of 30 papers will be done by this afternoon. They're pretty terrible papers (a lot of students trying to coast by on not having read the Iliad) so it's a bit easy to grade since I don't have to parse what's wrong and what's accurate.

- Besides the interview today, I have two more meetings.

- Yesterday, I called the Mayor's office to ask about whether the International Student Friendly Taskforce is going to issue a statement on the election. The person in charge of it isn't in town so I'll call back next week, but the official DID tell me that it's usually not the Mayor's habit to comment on national issues. To which I said, "oh, hm," because I was really just experimenting on how easy it is to call the Mayor's office.

- I spent the weekend crying a lot.

- I have encountered more cockroaches in the ten days living here than I have my entire three years at my last apartment. The other night when I was sleepless? I saw FOUR. Granted they ranged from extremely tiny (2mm) to rather small (1cm) but they are still there. I feel I've been finding one once a day since. It's aggravating. I had lizards in my last apartment and I wish I brought them over. (Especially since one of them was calm enough to let me pet it.)

- I feel strangely about the apartment set up. The front door opens to a closet, and we currently have a couch against the wall close to the door, so it feels kind of bottle-necked there. It doesn't seem like something I could go in and out of. The walkway to the door passes the front windows of the neighbours, and that makes me feel strange. Supposedly this means my side has more privacy but I don't feel that way.

- Last night, while walking with YL (and her German bf) to the bustop to go downtown, we passed a woman on a bench, who yelled at us racist invectives, that we should go back to China, and that China's trying to take over. I yelled back at her, 'and we'd be good at it' and YL also told her to fuck off. Fifty-years, with a deep tan, and she stopped after I yelled at her. I don't think she expected us to talk back.

This is literally the first time I've had racist bullshit thrown at me on the street (usually it's catcalling, and even that's rare enough for me to not notice), and I wonder if it would have happened if I had been alone. (I walk like I might murder people.) I'm slightly pissed that this happened on YL's literal 4th day in the States. She doesn't seem to have minded much, and spent the rest of the evening crowing about how much she likes Riverside.

- Oh but I'm still feeling very out of sorts.

- Spot quiz today

- Practically ran off afterwards to Dr. Vint's class where Sabrina Vourvoulias and Fabio Fernandes were skyping in, which was quite exciting. I live-tweeted the thing and Storified it.

- PK and I went to lunch afterwards and worked on ICFA abstracts. We then went to Coffee Bean to continue.

- AP called at some point wondering if I had time to go shopping with her for Halloween stuff. But alas, she called when PK and I were working on abstracts.

I have a draft abstract which I think is okay. Tomorrow I'll put together a bib because bibs are mandatory for ICFA proposals which is kinda weird to me.

- I also accomplished a couple more paragraphs in my newest short story. Still haven't quite figured out how to segue into the main conflict.

- I feel really tired still, and heartache-y. It's getting annoying.

- I got my shipment of STEAMPUNK WORLD books!! I'm pretty sure the MOTHERSHIP books are in too. Gotta get them tomorrow.

- I also get to dogsit for HH tomorrow. so there's something.

I am STILL sneezing and sniffling.
I suspect the visitations of a neighbourhood cat are not helping. But REALLY, this sneezing SHOULD be done by now! It is getting old. At least I'm somewhat caught up on reading. My brain refused to work last weekend, which was very frustrating, but I stuck it out.

The stress isn't helping either. I am convinced that the quarter system is what drives students here crazy. And keeping me sick. Everytime I go home I'm just exhausted, although that could be the sick.

I'm not caught up on my exegesis for my feminist theory class as a result of the sickness last week and the brain-not-working last weekend. Which sucks because I really should be doing them every week. I owe exegesis for:
- Butler's Precarious Life
- Cheah Pheng's thing on Spivak
- Spivak's Can The Subaltern Speak?
- Kristeva's thing on abjection

I also have a 20-page paper due at the end of March and BLEH.

I'm thinking very hard about what to do next quarter. I'm signed up for a Philosophy of Science course and a SEAsian Lit class. The latter is more for the fact that Dr. M is going to be on my exam committee so I feel I ought to take a class with him. Should be fun; he's a really chill sort of prof. But then what to take for my third graduate class? Go to Anthro and get my Social Science req done? Or do a self-directed studies? I'm thinking of trying to have my Ethnic Studies class counted as a Social Science, and I might take the second part of the class next quarter if I feel I have brainspace. It'll be fun. If I can handle this quarter with a shit-ton of grading to do, teaching, AND 12 grad credits, I should be fine next quarter.

For my religious studies seminar I decided to write on Chinese pai shen practices. Not sure what on, exactly, but maybe altars? I'm going to the library tomorrow and we'll see what kind of material i have to work with. I'm also conducting some email interviews with Malaysian-Chinese or Singaporean Chinese folk who would be willing to talk about their religious practices too.

Gah! Gotta get my WisCon membership too. And think about what cons, if any, I'm going to attend this year. I really want to do Salt City Steam Fest and GearCon but haven't said anything to the con chairs. I also might be working on revising my MRP in summer? And there's a book review Dr. L wants me to do for SF Studies too.

Too much thinking! Must sleep.

It's a good thing I'm keeping busy hands with sewing, because my brain is suffering that disconnect I only get when it's a depression period.

Well fuck you too brain. I'mma show you I can still be productive even without your cooperation.

After over a year of not hearing from him, all it took was one friendly overture to him and Nick Ottens (remember him? Of Victoriental fame) had to plug his cluelessness right into my blog. And I got so angry, compounded by other shit that happened at SteamCon.

And via a long thought process, I found out how to make origami lotus and found some origami jewelry.

My mood is slightly better now, but I'm still undersleeping for no reason, am depressed, can't focus on anything (at least I get a paragraph of my statement of interest done a day?) AND have my period.

>:{

So, in the summer of '08 I was working on a costume of Agatha's Signal dress and it went swimmingly. Kinda. As in, I got together the major pieces. I used pieces of spandex and chiffon, and bought chain with Tristan helping.

UNFORTUNATELY, over the last two years since I started on the costume, I put on weight. As in, substantial amounts of weight. This was noticeable when I went with Tristan to the Bead Pod and he had to help me into the costume, where it was demonstrated just how much weight I had put on. He said I definitely looked more boobtastic than ever before.

If it had just been the boobtasticness, that would have been FINE, except I've also added waist size.

I don't have enough material to let out the dress, because it wasn't material folded in so much as it is carefully measure straps.

And since I'm also getting tight in my everyday clothes, I guess it's time to hit the gym. And by gum I will lose inches off me even if I have to cut down on eating (well, I should anyway... it's literally comfort food at this point).

I'm having trouble concentrating on ANYTHING, hence the crafting. I've patched the heels of two pairs of socks, and converted a pair of gloves into fingerless gloves. I've ALSO sewn back on some buttons and sealed some holes on my sweaters. I took pictures of my socks! I shall post them in a bit. I'm really happy with how they turned out. I couldn't darn them because they're synthetic and I didn't have the appropriate thread, so instead I gave up some of the more damaged socks.

So. I'm just pissed in general at my size.

Also, I'm pissed at my futon too. I need a new bed. I'm tired of waking up with shoulder aches.

And I'm just generally been in a bad mood.

Things I got done today:

Wrote two blog posts for Blog Against Disablism Day. Finished my analysis of Gaslight Dogs. Packed up my place a little bit more. Talks to Amy about the possibility of keeping my stuff at her garage for the three weeks I'm gone. Found two small boxes in my storage. Found out my helmet won't be able to fit into my luggage for the States. Found my handcannon does. Made a few more decisions on what to keep and what to throw out.

Tomorrow: Keep printer. Pack away speakers, and leftover clothing items. Take pictures of furniture to post on Kijiji. Pack clothing I'm giving to donation. Figure out what pants I'm wearing for my trip because Jeans are too uncomfy for long periods of sitting down. Buy ticket from Chicago to Stevens Point. Figure out how to get to Madison. Maybe call my dad's friend.

Been having trouble focusing lately. Needing sugar to drive me. Bad thing.

Must do self-care.

Because I am going through depression right now, and needed a pick-me-up. This clip makes me cry ALL THE TIME. It's one of the most packed clips within the entire movie, which is in itself one of the most thoughtful movies I've ever seen. For your pleasure and convenience, I've also transcribed it under the cut.

This clip is NSFW. Sook-Yin Lee was almost fired from her job for participating in the unsimulated sex in this movie.



( Transcription )