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jhameiaMy brother sent me and my dad Amy Chua's racist screed on how her abusive parenting skills are better and inherently Chinese, because he'd "never thought about it that way before" and I had to remind them both that it's racist, Orientalist, and abusive on several levels, plus it's a fucked up, terrible interpretation of Chinese ancestor worship. My dad emailed back laughing and said apparently my mom thinks she had a hand at all in my getting cum laude in my BA.
This shit pisses me off, on so many fucking levels. I did the Honours program in English at Saint Mary's. I did get a distinction. I did well enough to surprise my family with my induction into the President's Hall of Excellence when they came for my graduation (I told them it was a scholarship party), and I graduated happy and emotionally healthy from SMU.
The thing is, the only thing she had to do with it was give me the money for it and get off my fucking back when I revealed my decision to go to Saint Mary's and not to any other university she approved (which were in Australia and the UK). So to know she's claiming credit for what's essentially my work and effort into my own fucking degree pisses me off:
1) I did well because my family wasn't around. OK? This is hard for my parents to accept. My dad always gets awkward when his friends ask "why so far?" when they discover I went to Canada to do my degree. I'm sure he says something like "her choice" or "that's where she was accepted to" (actually I was also accepted into Northumbria University in England, Lakehead University, University of New Brunswick and York University). When I tell friends that it's because Halifax is literally on the other side of the planet from my family, dissuading them from visiting as often as they might if I had been closer like say Australia, I make it sound like it's a joke, but I am a good actor, even when I tell the fucking truth. Living with my family was awful. My dad, as awesome as he is, does not understand depression. My brother was in Australia at the time and he didn't know how to deal with depression either. My mom refused to acknowledge my mental illness even when I challenged her to take me to a psychiatrist.
2) I did well because I was doing a program I genuinely wanted to do. When I first failed in SPM year my mom sicced my aunt on me. My dad's younger sister who herself hated her own mom and didn't even attend my grandma's funeral AND whom my mother would badmouth behind her back. This aunt told me - TOLD me - that I wasn't a good writer and that I should go into accountancy. This was years ago. This was in 2001. THIS STILL MAKES ME ANGRY. Because I liked my aunt. SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE COOL AUNT. This is after I reiterated several times throughout the course of two years that I wanted to do a degree in English literature.
3) I did well because I knew how to game the system. Yeah, there's a system and I figured it out. After finally understanding how the fuck university calendars work (I didn't get my registration package, and I didn't realize I had to pick my own damn courses and schedule until AFTER I got to Canada. The first person who explained to me roughly how these things worked was a girl I met while waiting in line for registration. Her name was Mary. Thank you, Mary), I sat down and worked out what courses I was going to take over the course of my entire undergrad career. By my second year, I had it all figured out. I also figured out really quickly how to talk to profs and how to feel out what they would expect of me. I knew how to ask whether I could do projects I really wanted and strung together professors' expectations with stuff I genuinely wanted to do.
4) I did well because the medium of my education was in English. I HAVE SHITTY BAHASA SKILLS. That is why I didn't do nearly as well in SPM as I could have. I took Geography as one of my electives and got a C5. I could have done better if the language was in English simply because I retain information in my head better when it's in English, particularly with a subject I didn't particularly care for. But my first language is English and my degree was in English and I thrived in an English-speaking environment, where I wasn't expected to be able to speak other languages. I love English. I have also come to love its varieties and variations and playing with grammar and arbitrary rules and cultural nuances.
5) I did well because I finally had access to a doctor who took my mental health seriously. Doctors specifically for students on-campus?! BLEW MY MIND. Health insurance built into my student fees, privileging me to go see a doctor any damn time I wanted if I could get an appointment? BLEW MY MIND. Not having to worry about paying the doctor and only paying 10% or something of the medicine? BLEW MY MIND. My doctor was sweet, funny, and genuinely concerned for me. If I was just feeling fucking shitty I could set an appointment with her to talk it out. Of course by the time I felt horrible enough to decide I needed to go see the doctor it meant i had hit rock bottom enough for me to be able to climb back out, but STILL, having a doctor who understood my illness and not only was willing to talk to me about it, but was welcoming of it because she genuinely gave a shit, meant SO MUCH for my mental health.
Imagine if I had none of these factors while doing my degree? If I had to remain in my family home, with my mom still yelling at me because I wasn't doing a degree she wanted me to do, making me feel like a failure because I didn't get straight As, calling me "koyak" (broken) just because I didn't score high enough on a subject I liked (I got Bs, never As, with my favourite professor), basically continuing the same conditions that led me to be suicidal during SPM year in the first place, all the way into my undergrad? Either I would have run away from the house, or I would have killed myself. And because I couldn't imagine living away from home, I most likely would have done the latter if things had gotten that bad. And I refuse to be ashamed of this.
So I am fucking angry that she's claiming credit for what's MY work in getting MY distinction in MY undergrad in MY field during which I finally learned how to take care of MY mental and emotional health which contributed significantly to MY success (and in no small way MY coping method for dealing with my mom nowadays). In many ways, it was the non-academic stuff that was WAY harder than school, but if I hadn't done all that FOR AND BY MYSELF, I would not have done as well in school as I did.
IN SUM, FUCK THIS SHIT. I AM GOING TO SCHOOL TO FINISH MY ESSAY FOR NISI, MY PROPOSAL, AND READ JUDITH BUTLER.
This shit pisses me off, on so many fucking levels. I did the Honours program in English at Saint Mary's. I did get a distinction. I did well enough to surprise my family with my induction into the President's Hall of Excellence when they came for my graduation (I told them it was a scholarship party), and I graduated happy and emotionally healthy from SMU.
The thing is, the only thing she had to do with it was give me the money for it and get off my fucking back when I revealed my decision to go to Saint Mary's and not to any other university she approved (which were in Australia and the UK). So to know she's claiming credit for what's essentially my work and effort into my own fucking degree pisses me off:
1) I did well because my family wasn't around. OK? This is hard for my parents to accept. My dad always gets awkward when his friends ask "why so far?" when they discover I went to Canada to do my degree. I'm sure he says something like "her choice" or "that's where she was accepted to" (actually I was also accepted into Northumbria University in England, Lakehead University, University of New Brunswick and York University). When I tell friends that it's because Halifax is literally on the other side of the planet from my family, dissuading them from visiting as often as they might if I had been closer like say Australia, I make it sound like it's a joke, but I am a good actor, even when I tell the fucking truth. Living with my family was awful. My dad, as awesome as he is, does not understand depression. My brother was in Australia at the time and he didn't know how to deal with depression either. My mom refused to acknowledge my mental illness even when I challenged her to take me to a psychiatrist.
2) I did well because I was doing a program I genuinely wanted to do. When I first failed in SPM year my mom sicced my aunt on me. My dad's younger sister who herself hated her own mom and didn't even attend my grandma's funeral AND whom my mother would badmouth behind her back. This aunt told me - TOLD me - that I wasn't a good writer and that I should go into accountancy. This was years ago. This was in 2001. THIS STILL MAKES ME ANGRY. Because I liked my aunt. SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE COOL AUNT. This is after I reiterated several times throughout the course of two years that I wanted to do a degree in English literature.
3) I did well because I knew how to game the system. Yeah, there's a system and I figured it out. After finally understanding how the fuck university calendars work (I didn't get my registration package, and I didn't realize I had to pick my own damn courses and schedule until AFTER I got to Canada. The first person who explained to me roughly how these things worked was a girl I met while waiting in line for registration. Her name was Mary. Thank you, Mary), I sat down and worked out what courses I was going to take over the course of my entire undergrad career. By my second year, I had it all figured out. I also figured out really quickly how to talk to profs and how to feel out what they would expect of me. I knew how to ask whether I could do projects I really wanted and strung together professors' expectations with stuff I genuinely wanted to do.
4) I did well because the medium of my education was in English. I HAVE SHITTY BAHASA SKILLS. That is why I didn't do nearly as well in SPM as I could have. I took Geography as one of my electives and got a C5. I could have done better if the language was in English simply because I retain information in my head better when it's in English, particularly with a subject I didn't particularly care for. But my first language is English and my degree was in English and I thrived in an English-speaking environment, where I wasn't expected to be able to speak other languages. I love English. I have also come to love its varieties and variations and playing with grammar and arbitrary rules and cultural nuances.
5) I did well because I finally had access to a doctor who took my mental health seriously. Doctors specifically for students on-campus?! BLEW MY MIND. Health insurance built into my student fees, privileging me to go see a doctor any damn time I wanted if I could get an appointment? BLEW MY MIND. Not having to worry about paying the doctor and only paying 10% or something of the medicine? BLEW MY MIND. My doctor was sweet, funny, and genuinely concerned for me. If I was just feeling fucking shitty I could set an appointment with her to talk it out. Of course by the time I felt horrible enough to decide I needed to go see the doctor it meant i had hit rock bottom enough for me to be able to climb back out, but STILL, having a doctor who understood my illness and not only was willing to talk to me about it, but was welcoming of it because she genuinely gave a shit, meant SO MUCH for my mental health.
Imagine if I had none of these factors while doing my degree? If I had to remain in my family home, with my mom still yelling at me because I wasn't doing a degree she wanted me to do, making me feel like a failure because I didn't get straight As, calling me "koyak" (broken) just because I didn't score high enough on a subject I liked (I got Bs, never As, with my favourite professor), basically continuing the same conditions that led me to be suicidal during SPM year in the first place, all the way into my undergrad? Either I would have run away from the house, or I would have killed myself. And because I couldn't imagine living away from home, I most likely would have done the latter if things had gotten that bad. And I refuse to be ashamed of this.
So I am fucking angry that she's claiming credit for what's MY work in getting MY distinction in MY undergrad in MY field during which I finally learned how to take care of MY mental and emotional health which contributed significantly to MY success (and in no small way MY coping method for dealing with my mom nowadays). In many ways, it was the non-academic stuff that was WAY harder than school, but if I hadn't done all that FOR AND BY MYSELF, I would not have done as well in school as I did.
IN SUM, FUCK THIS SHIT. I AM GOING TO SCHOOL TO FINISH MY ESSAY FOR NISI, MY PROPOSAL, AND READ JUDITH BUTLER.
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(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-09 08:22 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-09 11:51 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-09 08:30 pm (UTC)I get why your mother claims credit - and it's a horrible, disempowering thing she's doing. (She'll claim credit for everything you do, whether it's in accord with or in reaction against your upbringing. Argh.)
You're managing your escape much better than I did. *Massive* kudos to you.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-09 11:55 pm (UTC)It helped that my dad was much more supportive of my decision. It was still hard because he didn't understand depression and he was also mildly abusive (and he still can be) but when I made up my mind and he decided we could afford it, he didn't try to humiliate me in public for it.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 01:16 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 01:26 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 01:44 am (UTC)Although there's a whole discussion of loyalty and sovereignty and East vs. West tropes and and and as well...
Chua unfortunately doesn't emerge from a void.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 01:54 am (UTC)Unfortunately she doesn't. =/
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-09 08:55 pm (UTC)Y'know...I liked her analysis of racial minorities with economic privilege. This thing? GARBAGE. (And, Amy Chua, I'm not saying that lovingly.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-09 09:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-09 10:10 pm (UTC)I point out that stressed out overachieving culture is not much different than conservative Christian families in the US with regards to the effects it has on people.
And if I hear one more fucking "asians are robots" bit I'm going to go the fuck off.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-09 11:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-12 12:43 am (UTC)And, most importantly and problematically, is that instead of becoming asian folks talking about this issue and the experience of it, it becomes white people talking about asians, which is totally not the same thing.
It doesn't get to be a scale, and the people don't get to be people. We get poured into a monolith and dehumanized and othered the whole way through.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-09 10:10 pm (UTC)I know really traditional Chinese parents, and this is just -- well, there's a variety of ways of bringing up kids Chinese, even with strong Chinese roots.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-09 11:49 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 01:09 am (UTC)The parents I'm thinking of understand if their children don't have aptitude for certain subjects, and one parent even believes in letting a child learn by consequence. They all strongly believe in Confucian values, and they're strict on their kids (yes they do practice corporal punishment) -- they're just not, if I may be really frank, emotionally abusive about it.
Oh, but I can already imagine the kind of objections to this -- that the parents are not 'Chinese' enough because they are Westernized, Christian, etc. I'm just 'meh' about this kind of thing because I am comfortable with not identifying as Chinese, but I know that for these parents, their Chinese identity is important to them, and this kind of stereotypical image and "Yeah! We are Chinese because we are all like this!" chest-thumping ebbs at them and would upset them, if only slightly.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 01:23 am (UTC)I don't bother identifying as Chinese in certain contexts, because it wouldn't be relevant, but it's just so racist in this article.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 01:40 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 01:50 am (UTC)http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059720804985228.html is an article about current Chinese trends away from Chua's style.
Evidently some of the comments on the original article are from children of this sort of parent. Unsurprisingly, not positive ones.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-09 10:11 pm (UTC)I managed to get GREAT grades in the SPM, but at the expense of losing my ability to do math in any other language. I've got calculus ingrained in Malay in my head and I can do EVERYTHING ELSE in English, but my calculus fails on so many levels it's not even funny. I couldn't do a math major because I couldn't fulfill the calculus requirement because I just couldn't get out of Bahasa.
T_T
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-09 11:48 pm (UTC)I got two A1s, three A2s, one B4 (Tassawur Islam), two C5s, and an E8. NO THANKS TO MY MOM. It's not like I put in anymore special effort except for attending tuition.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 12:15 am (UTC)I dunno, though. My mother is a typical Asian mother too, but I turned out okay. I failed a subject or two during the test exams too, but considering I got A1 or A2 for those subjects in the actual SPM, I figure the school results weren't indicative. I was, admittedly, very nervous about the results, since I was applying to college with them. I actually made it very clear in my applications that these were only mock exams and that I would be sending my real results in as soon as they arrived. And I also studied my butt off voluntarily--my mother didn't have to do a thing. (I was the one asking for tuition and enrolling in extra subjects voluntarily...)
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 12:16 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 12:49 am (UTC)I actually signed up for tuition by myself right after the first tests, but when my report card came in for mid-term exams, my mother freaked out at me in front of an entire hall during parent-student conferences. But I inherited a lot of good traits from my mom too; I'm stubborn and domineering like her, which I think helped a lot, because when these traits were backed up by anger, my suicidal impulses would lessen.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-10 03:07 am (UTC)*hugs*
Post Comment
Date: 2011-01-10 03:33 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-11 12:17 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-12 01:38 am (UTC)My dad always gets awkward when his friends ask "why so far?" when they discover I went to Canada to do my degree. I'm sure he says something like "her choice" or "that's where she was accepted to" (actually I was also accepted into Northumbria University in England, Lakehead University, University of New Brunswick and York University). When I tell friends that it's because Halifax is literally on the other side of the planet from my family, dissuading them from visiting as often as they might if I had been closer like say Australia, I make it sound like it's a joke, but I am a good actor, even when I tell the fucking truth.
This rings really true, as does my mother (and dad and grandparents, who also contribute to the pressure and expectations) taking credit for my achievements. They ask if I want to live in the Philippines and my answer is always NO (usually with even more emphasis in my head).
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-12 03:19 am (UTC)Thank you for sharing this. &hearts
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-12 02:56 pm (UTC)Of course, this screams more of competition but inherently, that's what it is. My hubby summed it up best when I told him about this article - "Why is she comparing? The two are not the same just like apples and oranges, so why bother?"
Anyway, if you thought that it would stop at school and what-not, it gets worse when you have children of your own. My mother undermines my authority in my own home and goes all out to spoil and cover my daughter in a little bubble. If I say that my daughter can't take peanuts (coz she's still too young and it's an allergen), my mum gives it anyway. If I let my daughter run loose on rough pavement, my mum freaks out and scolds me ("she can fall, hurt herself, etc, etc"). When I try to explain things to her, I am told to shut up and that she knows better because she has had two children. OMIGOD. Her interference has often done more harm than good. =.=
You moved halfway across the world to study. Me? I'm trying to move halfway across the world to build a family!!!
- Mabel
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-12 04:45 pm (UTC)The thing is, being abusive is not inherent in Chinese culture, or in Asian culture. Amy Chua painting it like that, for a WHITE audience, reinforces racism in the States and complicates things for those of us in the diaspora who know the harmful effects of such parenting.
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-13 12:37 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-13 01:17 am (UTC)"But they'd be SO MUCH BETTER OFF with US! WE wouldn't run them into the ground like CHINESE PARENTS WOULD."
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-13 01:21 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-15 08:59 am (UTC)A discussion over on a parenting forum about this lead to one poster saying this: "No doubt, western parenting styles are good - love, compassion, respect, praises are all needed and i would definetely follow these styles. But i do feel that the chinese parenting style is also needed. Look at the values or the asian kids. I believe they have more respect for their elders n have more moral values."
O.o
(no subject)
Date: 2011-01-13 09:08 pm (UTC)