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Rant: Bisexuality =/= Need for Two
May. 3rd, 2006 09:54 amI was over at Angi's the other day and somehow we got to talking about bisexuality.
It think it was caused by the fact that I mentioned having two very beautiful posters on my wall: Chalkin's Kiss and a poster only known as Passion on my wall. I have Kiss on the left, Passion on the right, and I want to get a poster of two men kissing to finish it off, because love is just that universal. It only makes sense: if I'm to have two girls kissing AND a het couple kissing, I must also have two guys kissing.
I spoke a little about how the boys in my dorm loved the Chalkin poster, and Angi said, "it never fails to amaze me how, when men (meaning the average heterosexual jackass) see two lesbians together, they somehow assume they're part of the equation. They're LESBIANS. How hard is that to swallow?"
Which is true - there're a lot of asshole het dudes out there who assume that lesbians a) want him to be part of their duo (yuck), b) want him to watch (ew) or c) are butch bitches if they don't want the aforementioned two options.
When women watch two gay men together, they're not going to assume the gay men are going to invite them into the action. Usually it's "Oh, I wish I had a boyfriend as good looking as that," or, "I wish I had a relationship as happy as that." Not "Oh man, I'm gonna get me some double penis tonight!"
Maybe it's biology. But it sure as hell is irritating.
What bugs me is how a lot of people seem to make assumptions about bisexuals as being
a) confused about their sexuality;
b) either het or homo in the closet (posing, as it were);
c) greedy.
Well, yeah, sure, some bisexuals are probably confused about their sexuality and can't decide whether or not they are het or homo, so they tentatively give themselevs the title "bisexual" in order to deflect the question. Maybe they like women better, but get disturbed by the occasional hot manmeat. Tons of scenarios. Teens may use this term a lot while they're in their adolescent experimentative mode. But not all bisexuals are like that. Lots of us know that we're sexually attracted to both sexes. Maybe we prefer one sex over another. Maybe we like them both equally and can go either way. I personally am more sexually attracted to women, but I don't think I could deal with any of them for the long term, so I'd rather much be in a relationship with a man. (According to an acquaintance, I carry myself like a guy - I was being brisk and quite business-like with her, which prompted her to ask about my sexuality.) I'm not confused, I just like both sexes. I'm not just a lesbian and I'm not just a straight chick who likes looking at women (especially not in the "look at her titties, they can't be real" sense, that's just being catty).
Then there's the accusation that bisexuals are secretly either het or homos in disguise, pretending to be bisexuals so they can get to the other slice of pie. It's similar to the "confused" theory, except that this is outright "we know you know you're straight/gay but wanting to get some other action sometimes". I know that my girlfriends and I have pretended to be outright lesbians to deter men, which probably gave rise to this myth in the first place, but honestly, most of us aren't pretending anything. We're not in denial, we're not posers, we are who we are. It's problematic because not just straight people assume this, but homosexuals, too.
And finally, there's the assumption that just because we're bisexual, means we NEED to have relationships with one from each gender. That means an open relationship. At least ONE meaningful relationship with a MAN, and ANOTHER meaningful relationship with a WOMAN, because we're bi, right, we need both sexes to be satisfied.
WRONG!
Just because we're bisexual doesn't mean we're incapable of monogamy. I fucking hate it when people assume that bisexuals prefer polygamous / open love relationships. Do you know how hard it is to have a polygamous relationship? You're always going to have one favourite person with whom the relationship is most meaningful, and then the other relationships become superfluous or add-ons that are a luxury to have, but a bitch to keep up because it breeds resentment. People are selfish. We don't want to share. We want something special, something that belongs to us and us alone. Even in a harem, women are not going to be sitting around passively waiting for the husband to come around to them, they're going to fight and shine the best they can so they'll keep his attention. In a lot of relationships where there're more than one partner involved, there is a sense of fair play which has to be kept up: trust, commitment, respect and knowing how to give out even doses of affection. That's a bit too mathematical for most people. Why try to spread your love and struggle with making sure it's equal when you could just have one person all to yourself?
You just know that most people with more than one kid, they're going to have a favourite. If they don't, chances are they don't know their children well enough to see them as individuals, as opposed to "the kids".
If a guy told me he was having trouble deciding between me and another woman, and he was seeing us both at the same time to decide, I wouldn't even bother unless I felt I had a really strong connection to him and really wanted him that much for life. He'd be a friend really quickly, and even less so if I found out he had been having sexual relations with BOTH me and the other woman.
When I first went out with my first boyfriend, he was gleeful about the fact that I'm bisexual, and he said, "this is so cool, I'm dating a bisexual girl! Means I get to have a threesome!"
Since he was the slightly-above-average guy (which is why I dated him in the first place but later left him), I thought I'd be reasonable and I said, "would you share me with another guy?"
"Well, no."
"Then what makes you think I'm going to share you with someone else?"
You could see him thinking it over. He never brought it up again.
I pretty much stuck with just him for a little over a year - of course I found other people attractive, but you know, physical attraction doesn't really mean much if you're in an emotionally and sexually satisfying relationship. I didn't really quite have that, but it was enough for me to not need to look elsewhere. That, and that's just dirty to go around someone else's back and start looking before breaking up and keep the current one hanging around. Goddammit, people, have some respect.
And that wraps up my rant. Thank you for listening!
It think it was caused by the fact that I mentioned having two very beautiful posters on my wall: Chalkin's Kiss and a poster only known as Passion on my wall. I have Kiss on the left, Passion on the right, and I want to get a poster of two men kissing to finish it off, because love is just that universal. It only makes sense: if I'm to have two girls kissing AND a het couple kissing, I must also have two guys kissing.
I spoke a little about how the boys in my dorm loved the Chalkin poster, and Angi said, "it never fails to amaze me how, when men (meaning the average heterosexual jackass) see two lesbians together, they somehow assume they're part of the equation. They're LESBIANS. How hard is that to swallow?"
Which is true - there're a lot of asshole het dudes out there who assume that lesbians a) want him to be part of their duo (yuck), b) want him to watch (ew) or c) are butch bitches if they don't want the aforementioned two options.
When women watch two gay men together, they're not going to assume the gay men are going to invite them into the action. Usually it's "Oh, I wish I had a boyfriend as good looking as that," or, "I wish I had a relationship as happy as that." Not "Oh man, I'm gonna get me some double penis tonight!"
Maybe it's biology. But it sure as hell is irritating.
What bugs me is how a lot of people seem to make assumptions about bisexuals as being
a) confused about their sexuality;
b) either het or homo in the closet (posing, as it were);
c) greedy.
Well, yeah, sure, some bisexuals are probably confused about their sexuality and can't decide whether or not they are het or homo, so they tentatively give themselevs the title "bisexual" in order to deflect the question. Maybe they like women better, but get disturbed by the occasional hot manmeat. Tons of scenarios. Teens may use this term a lot while they're in their adolescent experimentative mode. But not all bisexuals are like that. Lots of us know that we're sexually attracted to both sexes. Maybe we prefer one sex over another. Maybe we like them both equally and can go either way. I personally am more sexually attracted to women, but I don't think I could deal with any of them for the long term, so I'd rather much be in a relationship with a man. (According to an acquaintance, I carry myself like a guy - I was being brisk and quite business-like with her, which prompted her to ask about my sexuality.) I'm not confused, I just like both sexes. I'm not just a lesbian and I'm not just a straight chick who likes looking at women (especially not in the "look at her titties, they can't be real" sense, that's just being catty).
Then there's the accusation that bisexuals are secretly either het or homos in disguise, pretending to be bisexuals so they can get to the other slice of pie. It's similar to the "confused" theory, except that this is outright "we know you know you're straight/gay but wanting to get some other action sometimes". I know that my girlfriends and I have pretended to be outright lesbians to deter men, which probably gave rise to this myth in the first place, but honestly, most of us aren't pretending anything. We're not in denial, we're not posers, we are who we are. It's problematic because not just straight people assume this, but homosexuals, too.
And finally, there's the assumption that just because we're bisexual, means we NEED to have relationships with one from each gender. That means an open relationship. At least ONE meaningful relationship with a MAN, and ANOTHER meaningful relationship with a WOMAN, because we're bi, right, we need both sexes to be satisfied.
WRONG!
Just because we're bisexual doesn't mean we're incapable of monogamy. I fucking hate it when people assume that bisexuals prefer polygamous / open love relationships. Do you know how hard it is to have a polygamous relationship? You're always going to have one favourite person with whom the relationship is most meaningful, and then the other relationships become superfluous or add-ons that are a luxury to have, but a bitch to keep up because it breeds resentment. People are selfish. We don't want to share. We want something special, something that belongs to us and us alone. Even in a harem, women are not going to be sitting around passively waiting for the husband to come around to them, they're going to fight and shine the best they can so they'll keep his attention. In a lot of relationships where there're more than one partner involved, there is a sense of fair play which has to be kept up: trust, commitment, respect and knowing how to give out even doses of affection. That's a bit too mathematical for most people. Why try to spread your love and struggle with making sure it's equal when you could just have one person all to yourself?
You just know that most people with more than one kid, they're going to have a favourite. If they don't, chances are they don't know their children well enough to see them as individuals, as opposed to "the kids".
If a guy told me he was having trouble deciding between me and another woman, and he was seeing us both at the same time to decide, I wouldn't even bother unless I felt I had a really strong connection to him and really wanted him that much for life. He'd be a friend really quickly, and even less so if I found out he had been having sexual relations with BOTH me and the other woman.
When I first went out with my first boyfriend, he was gleeful about the fact that I'm bisexual, and he said, "this is so cool, I'm dating a bisexual girl! Means I get to have a threesome!"
Since he was the slightly-above-average guy (which is why I dated him in the first place but later left him), I thought I'd be reasonable and I said, "would you share me with another guy?"
"Well, no."
"Then what makes you think I'm going to share you with someone else?"
You could see him thinking it over. He never brought it up again.
I pretty much stuck with just him for a little over a year - of course I found other people attractive, but you know, physical attraction doesn't really mean much if you're in an emotionally and sexually satisfying relationship. I didn't really quite have that, but it was enough for me to not need to look elsewhere. That, and that's just dirty to go around someone else's back and start looking before breaking up and keep the current one hanging around. Goddammit, people, have some respect.
And that wraps up my rant. Thank you for listening!