A Meaningful Death?
Sep. 5th, 2006 09:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jhameiaThe other day I had a bit of a nightmare. In this world, there were some set rules in place - completely arbitrary, and somewhat without reason. I dreamt I broke one of the rules (I don't recall ever being clear on exactly WHAT I did), and I was sitting in a circle of the council that had the unfortunate responsibility of telling me that I was going to be executed.
I got angry at first. Firstly, I didn't even know the rules existed, and no one saw it fit to educate me, as part of the mass public, what they were. Secondly, I hadn't even known I broke it. It was apparently an aside I did, either by complete accident, or I was forced to do it by extenuating circumstances.
Keeping these two first point in mind, I then got angry, saying, "that's not fair. I didn't know about the rules, and I didn't even know I did it. Why do I have to die for something so arbitrary? Why do I have to be executed for a rule that doesn't make sense?
One of the council members sighed, "I wish they wouldn't say 'it's not fair', of course it isn't."
I argued some more, "It's not fair because it means our lives are meaningless. It means all the time I've spent trying to be a good person, doing good, helping others be good, was all a waste because of this one little thing I've done that I didn't even mean to do, and I never meant for it to be bad. My life is rendered meaningless by this execution, and my death won't be satisfying."
For a long time, I figured that my death would be satisfying, because I've done as much as I can so far in my life, and while I wish I could do more, I can't really complain. I've said my I Love Yous and my I Cares, and I've made it clear to people what they've meant to me, and I've said what good I've been given to me. I've acknowledged my flaws and come to peace with most of them, so I think I'll die reasonably happy. So I was surprised at my reaction in the dream, getting angry because it wasn't fair that I had to die so soon, for such a petty thing. Tomorrow I might die in a stupid-ass accident - am I going to get angry at that? Shit happens like that.
Now that I think about it some more, it wasn't about the fact that I died breaking a rule. It wasn't just because it was a stupid-ass rule. It wasn't that I had done my best to be good and I wasn't recognized for it.
It was because if I died, it wouldn't make a difference: the rule would still be in place, inflicted on other people who might make the same mistake I did. It's stupid because that kind of law is the kind which is made by man, and thus changeable. Everything is mutable, and laws like that should change as well, but my death wouldn't be able to change anything. It meant my entire death was determined by this one law, and it wouldn't even be my fault that my death was meaningless.
Death should have a meaning: whether it's just a natural passing on from life, or whether it is a lesson learnt. Maybe it would be catalyst for change. If we were to die, we should be remembered for our lives, because I think our lives give our death some meaning.
If I were to die today by some injustice, would it matter to anyone?
Would my death be a catalyst for a cause?
If I were to die in the future naturally, to whom would it matter? Would my life be looked at as something to admire? Or would we be too caught up in grief? I would hope the former, and not the latter. It's a sad thing to be caught up in grief, and not move on. I should like to live a good life, and die a good death.
An unjust death that no one takes responsibility for would just be an awful way to go. But a just death that no one needs to be sorry for would be perfect.
I got angry at first. Firstly, I didn't even know the rules existed, and no one saw it fit to educate me, as part of the mass public, what they were. Secondly, I hadn't even known I broke it. It was apparently an aside I did, either by complete accident, or I was forced to do it by extenuating circumstances.
Keeping these two first point in mind, I then got angry, saying, "that's not fair. I didn't know about the rules, and I didn't even know I did it. Why do I have to die for something so arbitrary? Why do I have to be executed for a rule that doesn't make sense?
One of the council members sighed, "I wish they wouldn't say 'it's not fair', of course it isn't."
I argued some more, "It's not fair because it means our lives are meaningless. It means all the time I've spent trying to be a good person, doing good, helping others be good, was all a waste because of this one little thing I've done that I didn't even mean to do, and I never meant for it to be bad. My life is rendered meaningless by this execution, and my death won't be satisfying."
For a long time, I figured that my death would be satisfying, because I've done as much as I can so far in my life, and while I wish I could do more, I can't really complain. I've said my I Love Yous and my I Cares, and I've made it clear to people what they've meant to me, and I've said what good I've been given to me. I've acknowledged my flaws and come to peace with most of them, so I think I'll die reasonably happy. So I was surprised at my reaction in the dream, getting angry because it wasn't fair that I had to die so soon, for such a petty thing. Tomorrow I might die in a stupid-ass accident - am I going to get angry at that? Shit happens like that.
Now that I think about it some more, it wasn't about the fact that I died breaking a rule. It wasn't just because it was a stupid-ass rule. It wasn't that I had done my best to be good and I wasn't recognized for it.
It was because if I died, it wouldn't make a difference: the rule would still be in place, inflicted on other people who might make the same mistake I did. It's stupid because that kind of law is the kind which is made by man, and thus changeable. Everything is mutable, and laws like that should change as well, but my death wouldn't be able to change anything. It meant my entire death was determined by this one law, and it wouldn't even be my fault that my death was meaningless.
Death should have a meaning: whether it's just a natural passing on from life, or whether it is a lesson learnt. Maybe it would be catalyst for change. If we were to die, we should be remembered for our lives, because I think our lives give our death some meaning.
If I were to die today by some injustice, would it matter to anyone?
Would my death be a catalyst for a cause?
If I were to die in the future naturally, to whom would it matter? Would my life be looked at as something to admire? Or would we be too caught up in grief? I would hope the former, and not the latter. It's a sad thing to be caught up in grief, and not move on. I should like to live a good life, and die a good death.
An unjust death that no one takes responsibility for would just be an awful way to go. But a just death that no one needs to be sorry for would be perfect.