Tiredness and a lot of Random Ranting

[jhameia]

For the past few days I've been extraordinarily tired. On Friday, especially, although I walked around downtown to pay my phone bills and visited Wade at Night Magic, I was tired. It's like a fatigue which hit me in the brain and eyes, but it doesn't really reflect itself in my body.

Wade told me to come back after 5pm, because Pam was there. He wanted me to try on some new stuff. I must do this at some point.

jdp18 and I randomly decided to go for a sushi dinner, and invited castusalbuscor and lovely_lici along. I invited Sean along too.

Dinner took forever to be served, and I remembered why I prefer going to Sushi Shige for Unajyu as opposed to Hamachi or Minato. Still, it was decent, and we got back in time to see Olivier play with his band, the Turnstiles, at the Journal Benefit show. They played a lot of new tunes, which I wasn't familiar with, but they finally played a song I really like, "Eye To Eye". (I like three of their first album's songs: Failure to Thrive, Eye to Eye, and My Town is on Fire.)

It was funny how Kristian greeted me at the door. He's a classmate from Writing Poetry and Fiction, and he's been in a couple of my other classes. He's now the news editor and works hard at his job. Fucking competent bastard, too. I'd be attracted to him if I didn't love Sean so much. He was like "Jayme!! Happy new year!" and gave me a hug, and then cleared his throat VERY conspicuously and pointed at the donation box. I gave it a glance, and he cleared his throat again VERY loudly and grinned at me.

I gave them five bucks, and laffed.

Sean watched the Turstiles with me, and Elie hung out with Ley. When Sean and I left, we went to his room to hang out. It doesn't get easier to have sex, but he tries, and he's good at it.

I spent the night at his place. I wanted to go, but I was so tired, I sort of fell asleep on him. He woke up a couple of times to go to the washroom, but around 3.30, I woke up to find that he wasn't in his room at all. What followed was about half an hour of intense quietness in the room and me going a little crazy with crazy theories about why he left the room. To eat? Take a walk? Find some medicine? Bad dream of mine? Someone else? Aliens? The first was silly because the cafeteria was closed. The second not so, because it felt like something he would do. Medicine? He has to go to a doctor for his insomnia, and there probably wasn't anything on the shelf for him. It was too real to be a dream (and I know the difference). Someone else was an option, admittedly, because I"m a mistrustful bitch, but honestly, he's not that dumb. The Aliens option was me tripping out.

He came back, in his boxers with his clothes in one hand, and I ran to him. He apologized profusely for scaring me, and told me he'd gone for a walk, because he couldn't sleep and didn't want to wake me by tossing and turning so much. (Obviously, he completely missed the fact that he didn't wake me that often, nor do I stay awake very long if I'm awakened - unless of course, I turn around and find that my bedmate is COMPLETELY MISSING.)

I was so relieved to have him back that I stayed awake for a while to make sure he didn't go anywhere before sleeping again. I woke up a quarter to nine and went home, but even getting home, I was still so tired. I can't sleep when it's morning and there's sunshine in my room though. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't get work done. When Sean came over around 3pm, it was raining, but I idiotically still took him with me grocery shopping. It was a decent haul.

When he left, it was an hour before I was to leave for the SMUDS cast party, and all I really wanted to do was sleep. I refused to walk to Glenn Walton's (the director) place and cabbed there, and I got wired on a shot of Smirnoff and a LOT of Pepsi. People were assuming I'm drunk, because I was so loud and so random - I had difficulty explaining that that's how I am normally. Why is it when someone is really friendly and unreserved, they're assumed to be drunk? What's wrong with people these days? Have we forgotten how to be open and kind, and caring and genuinely interested in each other, that we don't recognize it in other people? Why is it when a person will openly shout for another person across a room, they're assumed to be drunk? Or when a person will introduce themselves quite hyperactively, they're intoxicated? What's wrong with people these days?

That's the problem with drinking. What the hell is wrong with people? Why do you NEED drink just to get out of your dumbass anti-social shells and be friendly to other people? What's so special about you that you're so scared to make friends unless you're at least slightly inebriated? Why are people so self-conscious unless they drink to loosen up? Why the hell are your asses pulled in so tight anyway?

Drunk people piss me off, sorry.

It doesn't help that this local culture seems to glorify drunkenness - a party isn't a real party unless everybody gets trashed and does something really stupid. I mean, sure, drunkenness creates some interesting stories, but seriously! It's like people DEPEND on alcohol now to have a good time.

Either way, I was not drunk, but assumed to be, until I prove that I'm not drunk by memorizing the names of EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE ROOM. That's apparently an impressive feat - I call it social survival. In a world where I'm socially awkward and can't make friends easily because I'm so insensitive to other people, the least I could do is remember their names. so I've made it a habit of using my big memory to remember names. I was SO tired when ten o'clock rolled around that when Alex announced, "I'm leaving now! Who needs a ride?" I took the offer instantly.

But I was still tired today. Around 2pm, after lunch, Sean asked me what I'd be up to. We already planned on going to a movie, and we agreed that he'd call me after he's done his stuff. Despite the fact that I was exhausted, I still couldn't nap in the afternoon, because it's a mind and eye exhaustion, not a bodily exhaustion. So I went to Sobey's and went shopping for stuff.

For dinner, I deep-fried two tilapia fillets and stir-fried two more fillets with a medley of vegetables. I also made chocolate mousse.

My deep-fried fillets are superior to the fish'n'chips served in most restaurants here, in my opinion. Instead of covering the fillets in batter, I used rice flour. I lightly salt the fillets and then put a thin layer of rice flour on it and then throw it into the hot oil. The fact that there isn't any better is good, because honestly? having to pick through the batter just to get to my fish is disgusting.

As for the stir-fried fish, I mixed a tablespoon of soya sauce with fish sauce and marinated the pieces before cooking.

Sean's taken home the rest of the stir-fry because I'm not a stir-fry fan in general (also, it has vegetables and I hate those, too).

We went to see "Children of Men", a movie which reminded me of everything that I hate about the morality system of current humanity - how violence is condoned and used to coerce and dominate unthinkingly. How, where instead of receiving our fellow man with grace and compassion, we'd shoot them. Come on. I know humans are intelligent, but it doesn't show when they react purely based on fear and selfishness.

It was a very violent movie. Sean said, "at least it's not a zombie movie" which I also hate, because there's a lot of pointless gore and violence in those, but I think this is rather worse - it's not violence on or by unthinking, dead human beings. This is violence propogated by living, breathing humans. You know. The ones who could actually utilize the gray matter in their own heads. And they don't.

It hurt me because I remember that it's happening all over the world. People are dying. And you can't even say "people die all the time", I KNOW THAT, but people are dying for the sake of someone else's pointless struggle to gain or maintain power, an absolutely abstract value which requires the domination, the oppression and the suffering of whole groups of people, yet for some reason is the value most highly prized. The fact that people have to sacrifice community and harmony, and love and kindness, just to ensure the power of another person who is in power is terribly, terribly wrong.

I've been reading Marilyn French's book "Beyond Power" for a long while now and I'm almost finished. It makes a lot of sense actually. The current patriarchal system HAS done humanity so much harm - the propogation of alienation, and the idea that sacrifice is crucial to maintain control... the repugnance of the human body as dirty and impure and the edification of the transcendent - it's all completely reflected in today's society, and I saw too much of it in the movie not to be affected.

I'm not saying it was a bad movie. It was a great movie. It made me upset, so much so that I couldn't bring myself to laugh at what little bits were funny. Towards the end, where Kee is holding her baby while soldiers outside shoot at the building she and Theo are in, her baby is crying - it's crying so loud, and the soldiers outside can't hear it because they're so busy shooting. They're so busy blowing up the upper floors that the baby, the first one born in eighteen years, is drowned out. Can you imagine? This one miracle of life is drowned out because men are more interested in dealing out violence to their fellow men.

The shooting eventually stops as Kee goes through the building, and EVERYONE is standing up to gaze at her baby, even though it's crazy dangerous from outside. When Kee gets outside, everyone's completely ceased firing. There's only her baby crying - what a miraculous sound it must be amidst all the death surrounding them. It's life. It's new life.

But it seems that miracles of life won't sustain attention for long and once someone in the building shoots again, it's back to the violence-mongering.

Kee's labour scene with Theo reminds me of Eve Ensler's "I Was There In The Room" monologue, which describes the birth of Eve Ensler's first grandchild. Honestly, why do Christians need Jesus walking over water or turning water into wine when they can just watch a birth for a miracle of God? Why ARE there chavunists in the world who think women are inferior and impure because of menstruation? How can a mindset like that, hateful of sexual pleasure and co-dependency, still exist even it's obvious that procreation is part of a divine plan? Why is violence condoned even though it's obviously not bringing us any benefit?

Marilyn French posits that power is the highest value in patriarchal culture - that control and sacrifice is necessary to maintain power, and men are fed the illusion that with power they will have happiness - and it's obviously not true, yet we still buy into that myth anyway. We forget our fellow man. We forget ourselves. I know this is a load of horseshit coming from me, since I'm a firm believer in individualism and self-centeredness, a couple of things that patriarchy expounds, but I know the importance of identification within a group and I understand the ramifications of not caring about other people.

It was a terribly bleak movie. It was frightening to me because I know that it's entirely possible, even without the idea of infertility. nolan_ash and I once disagreed on the subject of post-apocalyptic societies - he went with the idea that they're brutish, selfish, and violent. I'm a lot more positive, because I honestly don't believe that a violent society could survive very long without imploding on itself. I believe that humans can, and will, given the right circumstances, band together and found meaning in true rapport between comrades, rather than be constantly suspicious of each other.

In the Ravenloft world, it seems that everything good turns out to be horrible anyway, and my brother once said, "I don't really understand how it works. Exactly how does humanity survive in a climate in which any hope is instantly quashed?"

I don't believe that humanity could survive by continuing to believe that individual survival is foremost important and everything else should be ignored. I don't want to believe in that. I don't want to believe that human's capacity for violence will win out over their capacity for love. I don't want to believe that selfish individualism will win out over kind community-mindedness. How could I possibly hope to strive for a positive, caring society if I can't believe that humans can be turned from the ideals of abstract power to the natural, grounded beliefs in sharing and giving?

As it is, I refuse to watch the news and most violent movies, because as much as I believe that art imitates life, I also know that life imitates art. I don't want violence to become so normal to me that it's no longer sensational and I'm no longer affected by it (it's different with anime though). I don't want to see real people dying and somehow equate it to a movie death. That's WRONG. When I looked around the theatre after the movie, so many people were smiling and laughing, and I thought, what the FUCK is wrong with you people? People died in that movie. You saw a woman crying over a dead man's body. You saw a kind, generous man being gunned down, even as he smiled at his shooters and tried to joke with them. You saw people being randomly sniped even as they huddled together for protection. You saw entire rooms of dismembered bodies, dusty, bloody bodies, and an ENTIRE TOWN BEING BOMBED. Doesn't this shake you, one bit? Are you so used to violence that this is "just another action movie"?

I don't want to get used to violence. I actually do believe that media is internalized by the subconscious (which is why I HATE the misogynistic lyrics that are frequently played at the Dome), and I don't WANT to become one of the seeming majority who think that there's a difference between the fake violence in movies and the real violence. What difference does it fucking make? How is it that this fake violence doesn't remind you of the real violence in the world today? I DON'T WANT the death of great numbers of people to be statistics to me. I DON'T WANT to forget that every person who dies violently, gunned down by a complete stranger, probably had a family, a father and a mother, and various assorted loved ones. I DON'T WANT my compassion to die off, numbed by the numerous violent deaths that're happening so pointlessly everywhere for the sake of an abstract ideal.

It's hard enough to maintain that when the violence I see is just on media. How much harder could it be to maintain a sense of optimism, kindness and compassion when in the REAL situation? Riverbend actually mentions this in her blog, about how, after so many local Iraqi deaths (600k was the last figure released, that's six hundred thousand people dead as a direct result of the war in Ira- the invasion of Iraq since 2003), 3000 American deaths means little to her. To lose the ability to sympathize with the families of the enemy must be a terrible thing if you're aware of its loss.

How, exactly, do we applaud the death of Saddam Hussein when NOTHING in Iraq has been solved? When, in fact, MORE problems have been created? Also, Saddam was executed on the first day of Hari Raya (Eid). That's TERRIBLE. That's not a good move for democracy and liberty and I don't care what anybody says. That's TERRIBLE. That's disrespectful of the Muslim religion to execute a Muslim leader on the first day of Eid. This is NOT a strike against terrorism anymore - that's an attempt to denounce and humiliate Muslims. Would we hang fucking Bush on Christmas day? NO! It's fucking Christmas! It's the Christian time of cheer and goodwill. Same goes for Eid - a time of goodwill and peace for Muslims, and we kill a Muslim leader on that day? I don't care if he was directly responsible for hundreds of deaths in Iraq - this was the man who re-organized Iraq after the Gulf War, had it rebuilt, gave it a thriving economy, gave his citizens freedom of religion, gave women equal rights, education for all children and somehow Iraq had the highest literacy rate in the Middle East. (This, of course, all went to shit after American invaded.)

People are still dying. They're dying of war and despair in Iraq. They're dying of hunger and starvation in Afghanistan. They're dying of poverty and lack of education in Africa, and they're dying of random petty violence in random streets of the United States. Who the fuck cares, right? Everybody dies. Eventually. You know.

Some people think that with Saddam dead there will be a time of healing for Iraq. As if Saddam had anything to do with the War in Iraq for a long time now. Just as there has to be a ceasefire between Israel and Palestine before anything GOOD can happen, so should there be a ceasefire in Iraq so everyone can settle down and talk over a conference table - as if that would really happen. Everything has absolutely erupted in Iraq and there's little chance of fixing it short of killing most everyone and starting over.

I'm angry and helpless and angry at being helpless. I'm glad that I'm angry though. I guess it shows I care.

Comments

[eiko82.livejournal.com]

You know I completely agree with you on the alcohol thing. It is stupid how much people need to rely on alcohol these days in order to 'have fun'.

As for the killing of Saddam, that was officially the dumbest move EVER. They should've just let him serve a life-sentence. That way, they would've avoided making him a martyr. Also, like you said, whilst the man was a dictator, he DID improve life in Iraq somewhat. There were very little freedoms but at least, the people were safer than they are now. *sighs* It is really sad how badly Iraq got f**ked over by the USA.

[fantasyecho.livejournal.com]

Reading Baghdad Burning, I'd say there was far more freedom then during Saddam's regime than now - religious freedom, and women being allowed to go about without fear. It's one thing to have all the power in one person, but another thing entirely when that power keeps the religious zealot jackasses in line.

But yeah, he definitely is a martyr now.

[nova-one.livejournal.com]

Yes, you were socially stunning. Great job on the names, etc.. I'm sad to hear that Alex took you home, because that means I'll have to stop poking fun at him. =) Good times all around; I can't wait for the next party! Oh wait, we have to put on a play first...

[fantasyecho.livejournal.com]

Pffftt, we can still make fun of Alex.

And Glenn said while there won't be 'parties', we'll still have 'informal social meetups' every now and then ^_~

[nolan-ash.livejournal.com]

"at least it's not a zombie movie" which I also hate, because there's a lot of pointless gore and violence in those

Gotta respectfully disagree there. There's plenty of biting allegory to be found in zombie flicks like "Dawn of the Dead" and--my fave--"28 Days Later."

I've got to say, I love this rant and I couldn't agree more with your points about horrific ideas being accepted as norm such as violence and female inferiority.

However, I couldn't quite synch up with a few of your comments:

I'm a firm believer in individualism and self-centeredness, a couple of things that patriarchy expounds, but...I understand the ramifications of not caring about other people.

...How could I possibly hope to strive for a positive, caring society if I can't believe that humans can be turned from the ideals of abstract power to the natural, grounded beliefs in sharing and giving?


I would argue that "understanding" the need to care and compassion is completely irrelevant without action. Even the most selfish people understand the importance and need for compassionate acts and charity--they just don't see why they need to be the ones to dispense it.

This responsibility buck-passing is the reason I'm convinced that people largely become worse in a crisis (or post-apocalyptic setting). If everyone feels that compassion is important, but no one feels it's up to them to do it, it's not going to be done except by that rare 3% of the population (or whatever it is) who practice vigorous acts of compassion as a lifestyle choice, and those people would probably be performing compassionate acts anyway in times of crisis or peace.

Can you look askance at other people for being selfish if you describe yourself as a believer in self-centeredness? Is there any relevance to being aware of the needs of others if you don't take action about it?

[fantasyecho.livejournal.com]

I think the buck-passing is DEFINITELY something that is ingrained in a person, whether or not for good reason. Social conditioning is a huge thing, I believe, and I'm one of the lucky ones to get a good social conditioning that makes it a natural state for me to give when possible.

I don't really see how self-centeredness can't synch with generosity. I think that's where I'm confusing in my ideas though. I tend to appropriate terms and give them a slightly different definition, sometimes just to make myself look at things a different way. To be self-centered, in this context, is to be aware that the first priority is one's self (and those close to one's self), but having fulfilled that priority, what's there to stop a person from extending care towards others beyond this small sphere? I think there's the difference between the negative self-centeredness (selfishness) and a more positive self-centeredness (self-awareness).

So yes, it's fact to say that I am one greedy, vain, whiny little mofo but somehow or another I am always willing to volunteer any sort of productive help to my friends in trouble. Mostly because I don't see the point in saying "aww, that's awful!" and doing nothing about it. Nobody I know sleeps on the streets if they're in town and near my home. That's just the way it is, because I was brought up to extend help as much as I can.