Rant: Validation through Love
Jan. 10th, 2007 10:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jhameiaAnnoyed? Yes.
So Heather's like "Oh, I'm dating someone new!" expecting me to be happy for her. I'm like, "Heather, you're not even over Marek yet. Exactly why are you dating someone else?"
"Because I need to get over Marek and I can't unless I like someone new. I can't make myself happy by myself. I need someone to help me."
For crying out fucking loud. I want to kill you and remove you from the fucking gene pool just for saying that. a) You do not need someone to validate your life. b) If you can't be happy by yourself, you won't be happy with someone else. c) Going out with someone else just to get over someone old is just using the someone new. It's lame, disrespectful and irresponsible. If you have hangups and baggage that stem from a previous partner, it's not fair to the new partner to deal with it!
Grow some fucking self-respect and get a life that doesn't revolve around dramatics such as this. First, it's "I'm a swan. If the person I love leaves me, I fade away." (Stupid, because the swan syndrome affects monogamous couples who have been together a LONG time and are now OLD.) "I want to have Marek's baby because I don't want to have anybody else's and this will be my last chance to have one since I can't love anybody else." These are dramatics that a person should get over and done with in high school. It's not really happening much these days but there you have it, folks.
It's not healthy to pitch all your happiness on a single person and expect them to make you happy simply because you can't do the job yourself. That's not taking responsibility for who you are and what you could be, and instead thrusting that responsibility on someone else. It's one thing if being with someone augments who you are, I've seen a lot of cases like that (![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
nolan_ash and jet_set_radiant come to mind), but there's a HUGE difference between two people who're genuinely in love with each other and don't allow their issues to come between them and actually take responsibility for each other and themselves, and a person who feels they won't be happy without someone in their lives to love and be loved by.
But I've seen too many people screwed over by their partners because said partners were still hung up on another person. How can you really give of yourself to someone else if you're still unhappy and hurting from the last relationship? How do you honestly justify that shit?
Sean told Sondra, "did you realize how much it hurt to be with you when you're crying over someone else? Do you know how it felt like to be me, your boyfriend, to hear that shit?" and she replied, "I'm sorry, I was hurt and scared, I didn't understand then but I do now." High school bullshit! HIGH SCHOOL BULLSHIT. With a "I just want to be friends" and completely monopolizing his time - which is an euphamism for "take me back".
I'm glad I waited for Sean. (We were ranting together about this, actually.) He told me, "I took time off, and now I know that even if I'm messed-up and have a lot of issues, none of them are from a girl." (He's also a lot less bitter about his ex-girlfriends now then he was before. It's nice, because it means more time we spend talking about ourselves in relation to exes instead of ranting about exes.)
It's not right to NEED love so badly and to feel like only half a person until you find "your other half". Plato created that theory only to justify homosexuality, kthx. (Nothing against homosexuality, because any rule here also applies to homosexuals - these basic rules of self-respect apply no matter your sexual orientation. Homosexuality also doesn't need to be justified, anymore than heterosexuality needs to be.) There is no other half. There's you, and another person, and you both agree to commit to each other and spend the rest of your lives (or whatever duration of time you both agree on) together. It's nothing bigger or more complicated or dramatic than that.
I honest-to-God don't really want to deal with people who use other people just to make themselves feel better. Loneliness is not an excuse for using another human being.
Getting lonely? Get a life!
I think the problem of feeling lonely is compounded when one broods on one's single status way too much and thinks it's a negative thing to be single. There's nothing wrong with being single aside from the loneliness. If you need to share it with someone else, that's what friends are for. It's nice to be in a relationship, to be sure. It's always nice to have someone help me carry groceries, for example, and reach for stuff on the high shelves for me. But it definitely makes the single status feel worse than it really is when all you can do is sit around and wallow in it instead of doing something positive and productive with all that free time.
It really is true that if you don't want to be lonely, you have to learn how to fill your own life and not depend on the presence of someone else to do something about it. It's true, there're people who, despite having wonderful lives, still feel like they're missing something without a partner, but you know, at least these people have someone true and fulfilled in other aspects to offer to their potential partner. What does a person who's empty and waiting for someone to fill them have to offer? An empty receptacle? Who wants to date / be romantically involved / commit to an empty receptacle?
I remember on ShinraOnline (those of you who remember ShinraOnline), Kimosabe posted a really badly drawn BitMap image on his theory of love, which really made a lot of sense. It's funny because it's Kimosabe, a War Room forum jerk doing posting love advice ftw, but it's really good stuff:
The first line was:
semi-circle + semi-circle = circle (with a line drawn in between).
This is the ideal of many people - half a person who finds another half and they just stick together like it makes sense. However, since they are essentially only half a person, there's always a line in between them, a boundary of sorts. At any time, they can be severed apart, and when they are, they naturally collapse because they're only half-circles.
The second is:
semi-circle + full-circle = full circle with a weird bump on it.
This is the unfortunate reality of certain relationships where one partner is needy and needs validation because they're only half a person without someone else, but because their partner is a full circle, the half-circle partner only ends up being a leech on the full-circle partner.
The third:
full-circle + full-circle = infinity
Do I need to explain this?
So Heather's like "Oh, I'm dating someone new!" expecting me to be happy for her. I'm like, "Heather, you're not even over Marek yet. Exactly why are you dating someone else?"
"Because I need to get over Marek and I can't unless I like someone new. I can't make myself happy by myself. I need someone to help me."
For crying out fucking loud. I want to kill you and remove you from the fucking gene pool just for saying that. a) You do not need someone to validate your life. b) If you can't be happy by yourself, you won't be happy with someone else. c) Going out with someone else just to get over someone old is just using the someone new. It's lame, disrespectful and irresponsible. If you have hangups and baggage that stem from a previous partner, it's not fair to the new partner to deal with it!
Grow some fucking self-respect and get a life that doesn't revolve around dramatics such as this. First, it's "I'm a swan. If the person I love leaves me, I fade away." (Stupid, because the swan syndrome affects monogamous couples who have been together a LONG time and are now OLD.) "I want to have Marek's baby because I don't want to have anybody else's and this will be my last chance to have one since I can't love anybody else." These are dramatics that a person should get over and done with in high school. It's not really happening much these days but there you have it, folks.
It's not healthy to pitch all your happiness on a single person and expect them to make you happy simply because you can't do the job yourself. That's not taking responsibility for who you are and what you could be, and instead thrusting that responsibility on someone else. It's one thing if being with someone augments who you are, I've seen a lot of cases like that (
nolan_ash and jet_set_radiant come to mind), but there's a HUGE difference between two people who're genuinely in love with each other and don't allow their issues to come between them and actually take responsibility for each other and themselves, and a person who feels they won't be happy without someone in their lives to love and be loved by. But I've seen too many people screwed over by their partners because said partners were still hung up on another person. How can you really give of yourself to someone else if you're still unhappy and hurting from the last relationship? How do you honestly justify that shit?
Sean told Sondra, "did you realize how much it hurt to be with you when you're crying over someone else? Do you know how it felt like to be me, your boyfriend, to hear that shit?" and she replied, "I'm sorry, I was hurt and scared, I didn't understand then but I do now." High school bullshit! HIGH SCHOOL BULLSHIT. With a "I just want to be friends" and completely monopolizing his time - which is an euphamism for "take me back".
I'm glad I waited for Sean. (We were ranting together about this, actually.) He told me, "I took time off, and now I know that even if I'm messed-up and have a lot of issues, none of them are from a girl." (He's also a lot less bitter about his ex-girlfriends now then he was before. It's nice, because it means more time we spend talking about ourselves in relation to exes instead of ranting about exes.)
It's not right to NEED love so badly and to feel like only half a person until you find "your other half". Plato created that theory only to justify homosexuality, kthx. (Nothing against homosexuality, because any rule here also applies to homosexuals - these basic rules of self-respect apply no matter your sexual orientation. Homosexuality also doesn't need to be justified, anymore than heterosexuality needs to be.) There is no other half. There's you, and another person, and you both agree to commit to each other and spend the rest of your lives (or whatever duration of time you both agree on) together. It's nothing bigger or more complicated or dramatic than that.
I honest-to-God don't really want to deal with people who use other people just to make themselves feel better. Loneliness is not an excuse for using another human being.
Getting lonely? Get a life!
I think the problem of feeling lonely is compounded when one broods on one's single status way too much and thinks it's a negative thing to be single. There's nothing wrong with being single aside from the loneliness. If you need to share it with someone else, that's what friends are for. It's nice to be in a relationship, to be sure. It's always nice to have someone help me carry groceries, for example, and reach for stuff on the high shelves for me. But it definitely makes the single status feel worse than it really is when all you can do is sit around and wallow in it instead of doing something positive and productive with all that free time.
It really is true that if you don't want to be lonely, you have to learn how to fill your own life and not depend on the presence of someone else to do something about it. It's true, there're people who, despite having wonderful lives, still feel like they're missing something without a partner, but you know, at least these people have someone true and fulfilled in other aspects to offer to their potential partner. What does a person who's empty and waiting for someone to fill them have to offer? An empty receptacle? Who wants to date / be romantically involved / commit to an empty receptacle?
I remember on ShinraOnline (those of you who remember ShinraOnline), Kimosabe posted a really badly drawn BitMap image on his theory of love, which really made a lot of sense. It's funny because it's Kimosabe, a War Room forum jerk doing posting love advice ftw, but it's really good stuff:
The first line was:
semi-circle + semi-circle = circle (with a line drawn in between).
This is the ideal of many people - half a person who finds another half and they just stick together like it makes sense. However, since they are essentially only half a person, there's always a line in between them, a boundary of sorts. At any time, they can be severed apart, and when they are, they naturally collapse because they're only half-circles.
The second is:
semi-circle + full-circle = full circle with a weird bump on it.
This is the unfortunate reality of certain relationships where one partner is needy and needs validation because they're only half a person without someone else, but because their partner is a full circle, the half-circle partner only ends up being a leech on the full-circle partner.
The third:
full-circle + full-circle = infinity
Do I need to explain this?
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-10 06:47 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-10 08:48 pm (UTC)*sigh*
Yet love is hard and walking that proverbial 'tightrope' of knowing what to do - how much to do - when to let go - when to move forward is just as insane when it comes to relationships....
It all sucks if you ask me - you are damned if you do and damned if you don't....
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-10 11:05 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-11 02:44 am (UTC)However, I think society is partly to blame for this mentality of 'OMG! Being single sucks'. Everything in our society is geared towards couples/families and how we should all be striving to find our perfect mate. It's almost a crime to be single and if you ARE single, it's pretty much expected of you to be on the look-out for your next boy/girlfriend. Just take a look at women magazines. You'll rarely see articles that promote the benefits of singledom. Instead you get loads of match-making tips, how to seduce guys, how to find Mr.Right, etc. It annoys me tbh.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-01-12 10:45 pm (UTC)