Whoa - anxious much?
Aug. 20th, 2007 09:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jhameiaMy life recently has been interesting.
I feel most of my summer has been wasted watching TV, when what I really wanted to do was hang with friends doing fun stuff. But the fun stuff couldn't be done because it would've cost money, and said friends were working most of the time. I don't begrudge them that, but this summer I'm lacking the initiative to go forth and make new friends, which has cost me two months of nothingness. The stuff I found fun last summer has lost it luster this year as well.
I've been keeping busy - modelling, writing when it strikes me, working extra hours, planning stuff with friends when I can. The modelling is excellent - I've met three photographers so far and done pictures with them. I met a painter and we're discussing an oil painting project that will go for five months or so until it's done. Tomorrow I'll have another outdoor shoot with a New Brunswick photographer. I've learn so much since I started modelling than I would have from going out.
My life is awesome - it's interesting. I have no want for anything. My tuition fees are lower due to past payments, scholarships and my books are cheap because as an English major, I really only need classic books. I applied for a couple of named Undergrad Awards for those interested in the arts and with any luck, my personal statement is impressive enough to gain me some recognition. My modelling is really fun and it's wonderful being in a creative field and meeting other individuals who share the same goal of creating art. My writing does badly of course, but then, everyone has dry spells. I'm a Frosh Facilitator. SMUDS is aiming for a huge year ahead, and I plan on getting the SMU administration to take us seriously. I'm taking courses I've been wanting to take all this while.
But before every shoot, I feel sick in the stomach from nervousness. Everyone says "Oh, Jaymee, you're such an extrovert, you really know how to get along with people" when in fact, this 'extrovert' is having a shitty time keeping friends. I'm actually not looking forward to Frosh Camp, because the idea of mingling with a bunch of students more interested in hooliganism and loudness makes me chagrined, but it IS the only way to legitly participate in Frosh Week. There's this feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach and I'm not sure where it originates from. Is it regret for the loss of summer? Is it pain that my life is - once agan - changing? Is it anxiety because I really don't know what the coming year will bring?
It's difficult enough being involuntarily detached and alone, it's even harder to be scared, too. I suppose I should count myself fortunate that this isn't an alien feeling, and I've dealt with worse blows before, and it's not like I'm breaking down crying for no apparent reason.
I've got a doctor's appointment so I can talk to her about this (as well as my annoying sleeping patterns). Perhaps it's just my regular depression. With any luck it is.
I feel most of my summer has been wasted watching TV, when what I really wanted to do was hang with friends doing fun stuff. But the fun stuff couldn't be done because it would've cost money, and said friends were working most of the time. I don't begrudge them that, but this summer I'm lacking the initiative to go forth and make new friends, which has cost me two months of nothingness. The stuff I found fun last summer has lost it luster this year as well.
I've been keeping busy - modelling, writing when it strikes me, working extra hours, planning stuff with friends when I can. The modelling is excellent - I've met three photographers so far and done pictures with them. I met a painter and we're discussing an oil painting project that will go for five months or so until it's done. Tomorrow I'll have another outdoor shoot with a New Brunswick photographer. I've learn so much since I started modelling than I would have from going out.
My life is awesome - it's interesting. I have no want for anything. My tuition fees are lower due to past payments, scholarships and my books are cheap because as an English major, I really only need classic books. I applied for a couple of named Undergrad Awards for those interested in the arts and with any luck, my personal statement is impressive enough to gain me some recognition. My modelling is really fun and it's wonderful being in a creative field and meeting other individuals who share the same goal of creating art. My writing does badly of course, but then, everyone has dry spells. I'm a Frosh Facilitator. SMUDS is aiming for a huge year ahead, and I plan on getting the SMU administration to take us seriously. I'm taking courses I've been wanting to take all this while.
But before every shoot, I feel sick in the stomach from nervousness. Everyone says "Oh, Jaymee, you're such an extrovert, you really know how to get along with people" when in fact, this 'extrovert' is having a shitty time keeping friends. I'm actually not looking forward to Frosh Camp, because the idea of mingling with a bunch of students more interested in hooliganism and loudness makes me chagrined, but it IS the only way to legitly participate in Frosh Week. There's this feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach and I'm not sure where it originates from. Is it regret for the loss of summer? Is it pain that my life is - once agan - changing? Is it anxiety because I really don't know what the coming year will bring?
It's difficult enough being involuntarily detached and alone, it's even harder to be scared, too. I suppose I should count myself fortunate that this isn't an alien feeling, and I've dealt with worse blows before, and it's not like I'm breaking down crying for no apparent reason.
I've got a doctor's appointment so I can talk to her about this (as well as my annoying sleeping patterns). Perhaps it's just my regular depression. With any luck it is.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-21 01:42 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-21 03:50 pm (UTC)You know. FRESH MEAT!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-21 04:43 pm (UTC)Also, being voluntarily detached and being involuntarily detached sucks equally.
It sounds like things aren't too bad, and only a couple of months of wasted time isn't really that bad. I wonder some days if the 6 months I've spent out here were or were not in fact a waste.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-22 11:08 am (UTC)I think my problem with making *new* friends here is that there aren't a lot of venues I can go to which is good for making friends.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-23 03:10 pm (UTC)Martini Monday at the Fireside 8pm!
(no subject)
Date: 2007-08-23 05:44 pm (UTC)