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jhameiaI got an angry call from Andrew yesterday about something I said on this LJ. I'm not sure what he takes issue with, but you see, it wasn't even that he read it; it was that his friend read it and thought since I brought it up in the interwebz, it was cool for him to bring it up in the Gorsebrook. Now, I completely understand that, since I'm tactless myself, and for me, the personal is the political. I don't really have many secrets; I grew up with a lot of fear that I wouldn't fit in (as in, I couldn't, and fuck, I still can't) and over time, I've gained the confidence that other people's opinions don't really worry me anymore. If people want to be catty over something I said on the Internet, that's cool, because chances are, I'm doing the same thing right back at them. It's all fine for me as long as we remain civil. If people get confrontational towards me, I'll either retreat because the battle's not worth fighting, or I give it as good as it gets. The world doesn't end just because someone has anything bad to say about me.
Very few battles are worthwhile fighting though, and as confrontational as I am, I don't really like to fight. Also, if people fight back against me, I lose the heart to fight because I don't like fighting people I respect, and I'll respect the person who's got bite to back up the bark, and who's got substance rather than bullshit. (You know who you are.)
Andrew demanded to know why I felt the need to be so open, why this wasn't a big deal for me. (I tried explaining, but I had just been woken up from a nap, so I'm not too sure what my answer to him was, and I'm pretty sure he thought I was a gibbering idiot anyway. Whatever it is I said, it just made him more angry, and well, why not? I hadn't exactly had time to think about the question.)
Okay, well, transparency just isn't a big deal for me, because I'm not worried about other people gossiping about me. I live in a glass house and sometimes I like to throw stones at windows. Sometimes people throw stones at my house. It's presumptuous to assume that I'm that important in the grander scheme of things that some small thing about me is really going to kick up a fuss. It's silly to give gossips the power over you that you have to watch what you say and what you are or else they're going to call you something derogatory. It's unfair that this world runs on being cruel to others so we can feel superior, and it's isolating to not come clean and be honest. It's a shame when we can't be who we are without someone leering at us and making fun of us, but fuck if I'm going to give up the happiness of being me for someone else who takes joy in putting me down.
Being honest with other people requires a healthy dose of being honest with yourself, learning how to intellectually and emotionally compromise with what you say and believe. It also means you can't be a hypocrite about stuff.
And it's a hard, hard thing to do. I still pretty shit up, and I still have my hypocrite instances. (Sorry. You know who you are.) I have had to change my mind and learn how to shut the fuck up when it really matters. It's hard to confront some things and acknowledge that yes, I was a dumbass, and I did wrong. Some things have come to light like this, and it's still a bitter pill to swallow. But that pill WILL go down, and maybe I'll screw up the courage to say loudly, Yes, sorry, I was a dumbfuck. I won't expect forgiveness, and I can't expect trust, but I'll say it anyway.
Why?
Because it's the right thing to do.
Life's too short to be spent worrying about what other ways people are thinking up next to harass your self-confidence, and it's too short to be spent hiding from yourself. Life's too short to be scared of dumb shit like how other people make fun of you. If you're happy the way you are, then you wouldn't be worrying. If you are worrying, then I suggest finding ways to be happy in manners that do not require a squeaky clean public opinion of you.
But whatever, when I speak out, screw you if you want to silence me. I did not learn how to be honest with myself just to hide away due to other people's malice. I will not let shame beat me down, and the people I surround myself with are people who will never, ever, look down at me for being honest.
Very few battles are worthwhile fighting though, and as confrontational as I am, I don't really like to fight. Also, if people fight back against me, I lose the heart to fight because I don't like fighting people I respect, and I'll respect the person who's got bite to back up the bark, and who's got substance rather than bullshit. (You know who you are.)
Andrew demanded to know why I felt the need to be so open, why this wasn't a big deal for me. (I tried explaining, but I had just been woken up from a nap, so I'm not too sure what my answer to him was, and I'm pretty sure he thought I was a gibbering idiot anyway. Whatever it is I said, it just made him more angry, and well, why not? I hadn't exactly had time to think about the question.)
Okay, well, transparency just isn't a big deal for me, because I'm not worried about other people gossiping about me. I live in a glass house and sometimes I like to throw stones at windows. Sometimes people throw stones at my house. It's presumptuous to assume that I'm that important in the grander scheme of things that some small thing about me is really going to kick up a fuss. It's silly to give gossips the power over you that you have to watch what you say and what you are or else they're going to call you something derogatory. It's unfair that this world runs on being cruel to others so we can feel superior, and it's isolating to not come clean and be honest. It's a shame when we can't be who we are without someone leering at us and making fun of us, but fuck if I'm going to give up the happiness of being me for someone else who takes joy in putting me down.
Being honest with other people requires a healthy dose of being honest with yourself, learning how to intellectually and emotionally compromise with what you say and believe. It also means you can't be a hypocrite about stuff.
And it's a hard, hard thing to do. I still pretty shit up, and I still have my hypocrite instances. (Sorry. You know who you are.) I have had to change my mind and learn how to shut the fuck up when it really matters. It's hard to confront some things and acknowledge that yes, I was a dumbass, and I did wrong. Some things have come to light like this, and it's still a bitter pill to swallow. But that pill WILL go down, and maybe I'll screw up the courage to say loudly, Yes, sorry, I was a dumbfuck. I won't expect forgiveness, and I can't expect trust, but I'll say it anyway.
Why?
Because it's the right thing to do.
Life's too short to be spent worrying about what other ways people are thinking up next to harass your self-confidence, and it's too short to be spent hiding from yourself. Life's too short to be scared of dumb shit like how other people make fun of you. If you're happy the way you are, then you wouldn't be worrying. If you are worrying, then I suggest finding ways to be happy in manners that do not require a squeaky clean public opinion of you.
But whatever, when I speak out, screw you if you want to silence me. I did not learn how to be honest with myself just to hide away due to other people's malice. I will not let shame beat me down, and the people I surround myself with are people who will never, ever, look down at me for being honest.
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(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-09 11:20 pm (UTC)The whole "expect people to use things against you"? Yeah, totally hear you. The reason why it doesn't matter to me that much is because it's been done before even when I wasn't so transparent, and I tried to hide it, but there's only so much hiding one can do, especially with a fucking oddball like me.
I'd rather be completely transparent, so people can watch me for consistency and call me out for hypocrisy than hiding out.
Which means that another discussion is coming up.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-09 11:50 pm (UTC)I wish I was like you but unfortunately, I'm not. I sometimes worry too much about what others think of me. Just look at my main hobby (dolls). I hide that from most people as I fear they'll think I'm weird for liking them, spending so much cash on them and 'playing' with them.
Things I never said
Date: 2008-01-09 11:51 pm (UTC)I am going to read your site now, because of your request that I do so. I would like to note that I have at no point made a comment which matched the principle of the phrase: "Andrew demanded to know why I felt the need to be so open, why this wasn't a big deal for me."
In fact, I never asked why it wasn't such a big deal for you, I said that I felt it was unfair to publish my comments and details of my personal life and our personal conversations which took place in confidence that they were between the two of us only without asking my permission. It is this type of misrepresentation I want to avoid. Also, I am not a public figure, and the public has no place in my private life.
As for my friend, they simply wanted to let me know I was being talked about in this forum, and being made to sound like a weak figure. This is, in fact, what provoked my phone call, I figured that if you thought I was spineless I could quite easily demonstrate the strength of my backbone when given the proper motivation to act.
Also, you mentioned that your friends do not like me much anymore during our phone conversation. If not, I would invite them to speak with me about it so that I can at least meet them face to face and provide them with context and reason for my actions. I could clear up any issues pertaining to skewed information and their exposure to 1 sided arguments. I will not be returning to your site unless I hear about something else being posted regarding me, and I hope in good faith, given our conversation earlier, that there will be no further posts of the sort.
I would like to say sorry, by posting it here for all to see, for having used improper language and for having insulted you yesterday on the phone. That was wrong of me, and detracted from the purpose of my message.
When I called I simply wished to establish that I am: a.) not a spineless worm, b.) not pleased about having been painted in a negative light in a public forum where my name is used and people can easily identify who I am without you first asking my permission, and c.)deeply hurt for having my trust broken by a person I considered a loved one. My intent was not to hurt you, and although I am hurt I still do not consider you a "bad person". I really do think that you took a bad course of action though, and that it hurt me in the short and long run.
To have one of my friends confront me about aspects of my personal life I had no desire to share having acquired them through information you posted on a public forum breeches my privacy and hurts. They should not have access to this information. It is a serious ethical issue, and to have this remedied I also think it is wrong to set stipulations on having content of a questionable nature removed from your website.
Having said that, I would like to say that I was sincere when I said sorry. I have actually felt quite bad about my reaction, I spoke harshly in the heat of the moment. I also don't feel that it is important for me to read all of the posts about me to determine that I do not want my information in the public forum, but I will read them because you wanted me to.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-10 03:14 am (UTC)Its not for me (neither anyone else for that matter) to impede you from posting whatever you want on your journal because it belongs to you and you can input whatever content you want in it.
Sometimes I envy your ability to be straight forward to the core even though you know that those words can be used back against you.
*sorries I left halfway on MSN cause I fell asleep on the keyboard! >_