(no subject)

[jhameia]

So tonight I revisited a post written by the awesome cycads on "foreign bodies as sexual playgrounds". Namely, the fetishization of foreign women by (mostly white) men.

I've said before, one of the reasons why I don't often discuss my own fetishes is that I don't feel I can own them, because I, as an Asian woman, AM a fetish. Most people don't surf for "white girl porn". They're usually just looking for porn. But "Asian" - ah, that's a specialty genre. It creeps me out when I hear guys drool over how cute Asian girls are (and usually, girls), how Eastern brides (whether or not Asian, sometimes European) are so much more submissive than [America]s.

Tonight, I read a(n admittedly old) comment which perfectly exemplifies all the fucking skeeviness about guys searching for foreign brides:

Right now, I have been hoping to find a nice foreign wife, and I am most interested particular groups. I would be greatly satisfied to find an equally special wife of my own ethnicity, but I want her different ethnicity cultural background to in a way help represent a certain pureness that is not easily obtained.

What is this pureness, cycads asks. Surely you mean 'uniqueness'. Oh no, according to this guy,

The [laugh]….”pureness” I was speaking of is actually all part of my intent to find a girl whose character is is very special. A virtuous woman.

This virtuous woman, who must be specifically from a different ethnicity and heritage because somehow, that enables her to retain her purity? What the hell does her heritage have to do with it, besides his wanting to spread his genetics further afield (ew yuck!)?

Her difference and race is an additional attempt to amplify the idea. Kinda like pulling an angel from the heavens into a land far from their own.

HOLD ON.

....

HOLD ON.

....

OH MY JESUS ALLAH BUDDHA.

Kinda like pulling an angel from the heavens into a land far from their own.

OH, HI, GUY?

We are not your pets and toys.

We do not exist to be shaped and molded by you.

In fact, that is VERY reminiscent of what abusers do to their victims: isolate them from where they belong to, force them to conform to their ideals.

WTF is this? It's so reminiscent of guys who take virgins so they can train said virgins to their own specific tastes. Sure, it makes sense on some level. If you, you know, make the assumption that your partner is not a person who deserves to live and be shaped by her own experiences. If you like your partner to not be her own person when you claim her.

The whole "partner as possession" factor is made of creepiness. I used to think it was hot, but the more confident I become in myself, the more independent I am (and liking it), the scarier this thought is. And it is everywhere.

The worst thing? This is supposed to be ROMANTIC. The whole "average dude wins angel" trope is supposed to be AWESOME and COOL because it shows that WOMEN ARE TOTALLY NOT SUPERFICIAL (no wait, isn't it the OTHER way around???) and that Good Guys Win the Girl!

Sick sad Nice Guy™ Waiting To Happen backpedals:

It’s clear you may not have immediately understood that I didn’t mean by force and I didn’t literally mean “pulling”. I simply mean just earning the company of someone by “drawing” their attention or interests to oneself.

My response? It is clear you do not come even close to comprehending just how goddamn problematic that framing is. It doesn't matter that you didn't mean that literally. Either way, if that is what you mean, you are filled with Communication Fail.

The company of women is not something to be "earned". By saying that, you frame women as something to be "earned", thus as trophies, as objects to be won. Ergo, as objects.

It is clear you do not even realize you have echoed the sentiments of abusers who isolate their victims, taking the latter from places of comfort for the former's amusement (or sense of control). Or maybe you do realize it and you're just backpedaling.

It is clear you do not even see how you have Other'd cultures different from your own, and women in general.

It is also damned clear you are a Nice Guy-ism™ waiting to happen.

Hell, you know what, I don't even care what you meant.

Attitudes like that are poisonous to both men and women, setting up impossible standards, boxing people into specific codes of behaviour which we could all do without. I am NOT an exotic foreign bride waiting to enter into your life and give you the happiness you oh-so-long-for - neither is ANY OTHER WOMAN, whether Asian or not.

Women aren't trophies, dammit. We're not the fucking Stanley Cup, we're not something you EARN like a fucking salary to keep you alive, we're not something you turn tricks for so you can get our attention. We're people. Stop talking about us like we're not.

*stabbities*

Comments

Re: Imperfect...

[tenchan.livejournal.com]

Generally speaking, I'm of the mindset that if you're sleeping with someone, there should be something there more than a 'hey, nice tits wanna fuck?' mentality. I don't ~do~ one night stands, in my honest opinion, even if you're in it for just sex, not having time to experiment, explore and simply enjoy the individual usually comes up lacking. Then again I'm not into the mere physical, there's always something more to it, and I can't enjoy it unless that other aspect is present. If that 'fetishism' is the all consuming part of your relationship, regardless of the type, time to reconsider.(Again, IMHO)

I'll tell ya, us American brides, we can be more than people can handle. We're outspoken, blunt and expect to be treated well.(And we're culturally deficient. Enculture us!) Like I said something like a mastiff with a chihuahua attitude. ~giggle~ I don't consider myself the 'high maintenence' type, though, really. *shifty eyes*

When I talk about individuals inability to say no, or articulate preferences, I'm not thinking about the inexperienced. You can't say 'hey! let's try bondage!' and not realize it doesn't mean duct taping you to a ceiling. (Just imagine the acrobatics!) I'm thinking of folks who have been told or know they can say no. For those inexperienced, I chalk it up to either low self esteem and a desire to be accepted, which is GENERALLY rooted in social interactions and parenting. (OMG, crap...I'm sounding like a mom! Head for the hills!) The only thing we can do, as parents, is resolve to shed the 'you're not dating til' you're 50!' attitude, accept our kids will be delightedly figuring out themselves and their bodies while we're not looking, and send a clear message early on before Cosmo, Disney and the rest can cock-block us. We aren't solely responsible for shaping who our children become, but, we are very responsible for the self image they take into the world from the start.

Anyway...I openly confess a weakness for Asians (I include those of Hindu descent in this consideration), Irish, British and Germanic types. I specifically have a weakness for red hair and freckles. (I place the blame squarely on my first girlfriend...*puuur*) I've dated across the colour spectrum, and, with few exceptions have taken away nothing but positive from my exes. (Including my most previous.)

Anyway...this is going to go on for a while, I can tell, quick, dear, give us a distraction!

Re: Imperfect...

[fantasyecho.livejournal.com]

I still feel that a general lack of knowledge on "no means no before yes can mean yes" is still to blame for the people-pleasing mentality some girls have about doing things that skeeve them out for the sake of their boyfriends. Like you, though, I do root it in socialization and parenting. Although I don't blame parents entirely either - that's not fair when the state of how the world is run just isn't kind to parents in the first place.

And you want to stereotype American brides that way? I was in China and watched women out-screaming men. It was EPIC. You're also describing my mother, who isn't very Westernized herself. I'm definitely what one might call "high maintenance".