Conversations with Nisi Shawl

[jhameia]

LAST NIGHT

me: i was thinking about the language of "deserving" while walking home

Pearl: Yr thoughts?

me: it's a really bad frame to view love by

Pearl: Unless it's completely nonexclusive. As in all deserve

me: yeah

like

in the conventional frame of love

i deserved my lsat three boyfriends

i took care of them

my second ex, especially

encouraged him, advised him, helped him through his depression, helped him understand his depression

i was good and giving and forgiving

even when he broke up with me i said i'd wait for him

but he didnt want me to

and i was still kinda waiting for him

but he started dating someone else

"just to see"

he never even thought about giving us a second chance

and in a frame that talks about deserving love, i deserved that second chance

but i didnt

and even saying "he doesnt deserve it"

well, he does, if he didnt i wouldnt still love him so, right?

so that faults my judgement too

Pearl: But, dear, if he deserves good, so do you. And maybe you don't deserve bad, and he would be bad for you?

me: yeah, but using that framing of, i deserve good

i still am not getting it

Pearl: Well, there is that....

me: and thinking about how i deserve it and am not getting rewarded is making me bitter

Pearl: Yeah!

me: so i need a new way of thinking about love that won't make me so damn bitter and angry

and which will forgive me for falling apart

because i never got a chance

and i was holding myself together just in case i did

Pearl: Lemme know what you come up with.

THIS MORNING

me: Nisi!

i came up with something last night

i was thinking about how to get away from all the worthiness discourse

and i thought about a manga i have, and one of the shorts in it

i think you might find it interesting, but anyway

the running similarity is that there are all these plant dolls which only exist to be loved and bla bla

and they're capable of maturing into grown women too

so in this story this young woman mourning her grandmother is looking for the grandmother;s plant doll

and a young man who is the grandson of the grandmother's true love goes looking for the plant doll

turns out the young woman was the plant doll and when she remembers this she wilts

and the young man feels really awful and sad right

and he says "i hope she was happy"

and the plant doll seller says "to think she was not happy would be rude"

and then he says

"Those who are loved need not feel responsible for it"

"They were loved. That's all there is to it."

Pearl: A better way, if I understand it.

me: yeah

because then it's not wrapped up in "oh, i love therefore i deserve to be loved in returned"

and there's a give-and-take attached to it

Pearl: Hmmmm.

me: there's no deserve, there's just love

Pearl: But is there obligation? No.

me: no

because that's all there is to it.

an act of love that doesnt need anything in return

because love is its own beauty

Pearl: I like that.

me: so i sat up and i said out loud "I love you and that's all there is to it" and i imagined saying it to him

and i felt much better

Pearl: Doesn't beauty need appreciation, though?

me: i'd rather think about how i love him then how he doesn't love me back

beauty could use appreciation

but a beautiful thing can be beautiful simply by being

Pearl: I have to go--glad to hear this idea from you, but must pack up computer.

me: okay

i just thought you might like to know

Comments

[sajia.livejournal.com]

I liked reading this. (I've been going through a very rough patch romantically)

[fantasyecho.livejournal.com]

I hope it helps you. I'm trying to let it help me.

[holzman.livejournal.com]

beauty could use appreciation

but a beautiful thing can be beautiful simply by being

This.

Also, beauty can appreciate itself.