Reaching Out

- I've mostly been quiet because thinking about days where I'm just working or writing, I just don't feel like I have anything to say on here. I try to work around 5 hours a day, because my sleep hours are so wonky, and some days I get more hours in, and some days I don't. I'm okay with remote working, but not so hot on the organising my days so I can have a conversation with co-workers thing.

- The US Consulate is now open for appointments again! I nabbed the first one I could get. It's in...... January, 2021.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. Mostly because I'm in a depressive funk right now where it's like, what is the point of anything right now? I'm struggling to write and deliver things I've been promising people since last year. Because of the pandemic, I've made no headway connecting with people here.

I'm just tired emotionally and have run out of ability to cope.

- I've run out of steam on this fanfic-turned-onovel as soon as I hit the last arc and I'm at a loss for how to proceed with it. I know I need to go back and rewrite the entire thing (I've got lots of bits that I'll be keeping, but there's a whole setup that needs to happen). I'm suffering a whole complex where I thuoght I knew where this plot was going and how it was ending and what the next big conflict is, but I'm also torn between the different options of "RIDICULOUS AND OVER THE TOP, HILARIOUS PROBABLY ONLY TO ME" and "somewhat realistic, in keeping with the capabilities of the characters."

- I finished my latest 3-inch hoop piece! The Chinese painting thing. I'm a bit meh on the effects but it does look a lot better than I expected.

- I went swimming for the first time today! Also the jig is up, I can't keep using my mom's card anymore (I was using an expired number!!!) and they will charge RM20 for every visit, which is... not very economical when I'm planning on going every week at least three times. BUT apparently to even transfer a membership at Holiday Villa is RM1000?? WHY. And a new membership is like, RM3500?? WHO HAS THIS MONEY? My parents barely even DO anything there.

Anyway I wore my long-sleeved swimsuit for the first time. It was a little strange, but since today was cool it was fine walking over there with it on. When I dove, the sleeves would fly up a little? Anyway it's a classy swimsuit, and I'm now looking for a nice skirt to match it.

They're not handing out towels, so good thing I make it a habit to bring a towel anyway. I also have to book the lane ahead of time, in one-hour slots, so I guess I'll have to be more disciplined about going.

I swam really hard for 40 minutes and my arms are feeling kind of noodly right now.

- I'm in Best American SFF again! Here's the table of contents: http://www.johnjosephadams.com/best-american/projects/best-american-science-fiction-and-fantasy-2020/2020-table-of-contents/

Diana Gabaldon is the guest editor this year, and I guess a person with science degrees and expertise in marine biology WOULD like a man-eating bobbit worm mermaid.

Pools are reopening, and it looks like the Holiday Villa pool has also reopened. They had a Facebook post about how people need to call 24 hours beforehand to book a slot to use the pool, which I guess is their new crowd control SOP. I'll call tomorrow to find out what other measures they're taking, and see if I can book multiple visits a week beforehand. It's a little weird to think about it, but I think it'll make me more disciplined in going regularly.

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I've been leaning forward at the screen squinting a LOT. Either I need glasses, or I need a new monitor, because this 15" screen is no longer cutting it. If it was actually on my lap it's bearable, but I haven't been writing like that for some time. I have a wireless keyboard and mouse, because I hate the up-down keys on my laptop and it just isn't efficient. But using the keyboard means the screen is further from my face.

SO! My dad got a new computer recently, one of those All-in-One types. (It's also where my current keyboard/mouse are from). So he didn't need his old monitor and had offered it to my brother. And my brother just got a new rig to game on (he called me over to show me how his CPU lights up, it's very pretty) so he doesn't need a new monitor either (he's got a new big one that's also bendy which is hilarious).

Therefore I claimed the monitor for myself, got myself an HDMI cable, and WOW checking PDF changes is SO MUCH EASIER with a second screen than moving back and forth between windows, and it was faster to work like this. Before I'd have to have so many breaks because my eyes were tired from squinting so much, and my shoudlers are stiff from hunching over.

Considering getting a new computer completely, with a mini-tower, so I can have TWO big monitors instead, like a true nerd.

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I am falling back on bad habits in getting so distracted I'm not getting as much work done though, and I don't... really know what to do about that. I'm so anxious I can't get to sleep properly, and then so tired during the day I can't work properly, augh!!! I can't even focus enough for my longhand writing.

So it looks like I'll have two publications this year: a reprint and an original story.

Can't announce the reprint just yet--should be able to announce it in October, since it comes out in November.

The original story is called "In The Glass Hall of Supreme Women," out from Fireside Fiction in the Fall quarter issue. It's a take on white women voting for Trump and, uh, cordyceps.

I've also signed a contract for another short story that'll come out from World Weaver press.

I must really get going on my non-fiction essays but... somehow writing them is really freaking hard?! Everytime I think I have a good idea it just flits away and the words will. not. come. It's so frustrating!! I've never had writer's block quite to this extent before. It doesn't help that I have not been getting out of the house to write (or do anything, really) and I'm just plagued with guilt as a reslt.

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Now that I have hangers for everything in my closet, I... am now going to wash stuff. Some of these just haven't been washed in maybe... years...? Because they just aren't the type that need washing much, or they need to be dry-cleaned and I'm poor, or they have to be handwashed and I just usually don't have the time, or whatever. Either way they ought to be washed now because they've got a particular kind of small of old clothes. It's not sweaty and it's not necessarily unpleasant, kind of like moth balls a little? Except I don't use moth balls. A little dusty. Organising them makes my nose itch and I don't think that's right. Either way, washing must happen.

I'll have to wash in batches, to account for the various textures of the clothes (wouldn't want to wash a heavily beaded thing with a chiffon outfit!!), so here's hoping next week in between regular laundry there'll be a lot of sunshine.

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It has been raining a lot lately so I haven't needed the a/c which is nice. My dad bought me a new standing fan, too.

My old one works, as in, if I hit the plug on the wall (our wall plugs have on/off switches; it was a little disconcerting when I got North America and the wall plugs don't hve them; I sort of thought that electricity leaked out of them all the time I KNOW DON'T _me) it will eventually turn on (takes about a few minutes to get going these days) and the speed controls on it don't work--whether it's 0, 1, 2, or 3, it's the same speed that I THINK is 1 and it has been so for the last 7 years or so. But it's never been a problem?

So now I have a new standing fan which has all the different speeds, AND has a timer too! I can set it to keep blowing for up to 2 hours and then it'll turn off by itself. It's a nice option for people who need the fan to get to sleep, but don't want the fan blowing all night long (which is admittedly me!). The thing is that it's quite loud? And even the lowest speed blows quite aggressively so it's not as comfortable.

Still, with one-and-a-half fans, both blowing at the same time, on cool days I can really get the air blowing through the room. The old fan is now at my window blowing in cool air when I need it, and that gets circulated out the door with the other fan that points at my bed (now at the door). So in general my room has been cooler and less stuffy than it has been for months now. I'm quite pleased.

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I updated my top post! It has a bit more about myself in case there are new followers. Also it was set to Oct 2020 and I figure it's about time since I think I set that in 2015 or so.

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On Facebook I asked for nonfiction prompts that I can write longhand in a nice notebook a UCR professor, Dr. Anthonia Kalu, gave me as a graduating present. I really need to get back into the habit of writing something that's not stricty my day's happenings.

I've no brainspace for longform fiction right now so it's all comics comics comics. I've got an account at Manganelo and have been following these:

ISEKAI stuff:
- Who Made Me A Princess - main character, an orphan, gets isekai'd into the childhood of a princess doomed to die at her emperor father's hand after her sister, the real protagonist, shows up. A good chunk of her reincarnated childhood is spent trying to avoid her father's wrath, planning to run away, and then she decides to take the third route, which is to win him over. And she does fairly successfully, though he remains cold and violent. New characters she never read about show up, and the male lead of the original novel falls for her, and she also finds out her sister (who doesn't know she knows) (???) (the DRAMATIC IRONY) isn't actually her sister but was conceived through dark magic via her deposed uncle (???) and anway, the art is lovely.

- Survive as the Hero's Wife - main character isekai'd into the villainness of her favourite novel right at the point where she marries the protagonist as a child bride. She starts off being determined to support him so she can retire in peace as a wealthy landlady once he gets hitched to his "real" love interest... only to find out the love interest actually isn't in love with the protagonist. I LOVE Canaria--she's SUCH a TruFan!! I especially love the bits where she really uses her fanlore knowledge to help Cesar, and the rivals-to-friends is really wonderful.

- The Pet of the Villainess - main character is reborn into a rando side character, and since she worked retail, she realises she can use her people-pleasing skill to thrive in high society by sucking up to the various ladies she meets. It's sort of interesting because her position skirts between being genuinely friends with people (because she's also genuinely kind) and abuse (she admits that most of these ladies have NO idea how to emotionally regulate, and take it out on her instead). She starts off wanting to avoid the villainess but by the second chapter is like having a THOROUGH girl-crush and it's a, uh, "gal pal" relationship. And of course things change.

- The Duchess' 50 Tea Recipes - a bit of an outlier because usually isekai stories have the main characters transport into the world of a media they've consumed, but Chloe just wakes up in a weird European-ish place with the memories of the Duchess she's inhabiting. The original Duchess Was weakwilled and cowardly, what Chloe used to be, except now Chloe is just Done With That Shit™ after being fired from her accountant job for something she shouldn't have been responsible for. So she just... takes her skill as an accountant and starts making a change in the household and also there is a different tea every episode. Everyone falls in love with her tea. Just. Tea.

- Cheating Men Must Die! - A FUCKING RIOT. The main character is an "agent" who travels to "small worlds", i.e. the world of various media, and inhabits the bodies of female "cannon fodder" side characters who are usually abused and discarded to serve the plot of the main characters of the story. Much feminist commentary. Much misandry. Much take-no-shit resentment. NO QUARTER GIVEN!!!!!!!!

- The Villainess is Adored By the Crown Prince of the Neighbouring Kingdom - this one starts off promising enough. The main character gets her memories of her former life back and realises she's been reincarnated as the villainess of her favourite otome game. It's the day before the denouncement event (when the villains get dealt with, usually by a public breakup and banishment), and she's about to take her licks and retire quietly even though she knows she's done nothing wrong, when the crown prince, who was supposed to be the sequel's hero, shows up to propose to her. The first volume deals with the fallout from that which is all cute and roses, except the "real protagonist" gets mad, because she's also been reincarnated and she prefers the sequel's hero to the current one she nabbed. The second volume starts getting annoying bc then it's all about her anxiety on whether the "real plot" of the game (where the hero gets tired of his fiancee and starts a new relationship with the playable character) will pan out.

- The Reason Why Raeliana Ended Up At The Duke's Mansion -- if there is a comic with a helluva hook, this is IT. The main character finds herself inhabiting the body of a side character who dies before the book even starts! Her death is what kicks off the original romance novel plot between the "real" protagonist and the male lead. On a whim (also she was drinking) she blackmails the male lead into a fake engagement with her for six months. Shenanigans ensue. Lots of pining on his part, lots of tsundere resistance on her part, lots of anxiety on whether the "real" protagonist will show up. I really like the worldbuilding potential of this one, and I've re-read it a lot because gosh the male lead is SO DREAMY and EXACTLY MY TYPE but the main character is admittedly... immature. I just generally feel very old reading this, and other isekai stories like it, because it's like... why are y'all overreacting like this? I think it's supposed to be funny but it really just makes the main characters feel like they're incompetent. In the case of Raeliana, I can't tell if it's because the main character is SUPPOSED to be like that, or she was already kind of stupid and inconsistent in the original novel (I can't find the original novel to figure this out) or something has gone wrong in the editing of the webtoon? Anyway it looks like it's headed into the final arc of the story, so I hope a bunch of my questions re: the plot get answered within... oh, one year or so.

A few more isekai I've been following but they don't have very many chapters yet:

- Beware the Villainess! - hilarious, A+ awareness of self as reader and commentary on the male leads
- The Evil Lady's Hero - I clicked it for the ecchi tag, idk it's OK
- Death is the Only Route for the Villainess - so far looking really good! competent heroine who finds she has a LOT in common with the character she's inhabited
- The Evil Sorceress Plans To Survive
- I Am Troubled That My Fiance is a Villain - I've finished the light novel and it's pretty eh; cute concept, bleh main character
- The Banished Villainess! Living the Leisurely Life of a Nun Making Revolutionary Food - she was an events organiser in her past life! it's very slice-of-life and cute.
- Fiance's Observation Log of the Self-Proclaimed Villainess - this is another otome game reincarnation fic, from the perspective of one of the "capture targets," in this case the crown prince. It looks like it's almost finishing as well?

REINCARNATION STUFF:

- Lucia - I'm mostly here for the smut and fluff. The main character, around puberty, has a dream about how her life will unfold (all the way into old age) and in order to avoid an abusive marriage, decides to approach a duke to offer herself instead. Falling in love happens.

- The Sweet Life of Adelaide - sort of isekai, the main character was a fashion designer in her previous life, is reborn as a country count's daughter. She hears about a mysterious lady who appeared all of a sudden walking on the lake and is like "!! AN ISEKAI'D PERSON?? I MUST MEET HER!!" and goes to the capital only to find that yes, the strange lady has been transmigrated, but is also a right bitch, a former actress trying to live the high life by seducing the lead male character. Fake engagement, falling in love, shenanigans ensue. The main character is a BIT too wedded to her ideas of genre tropes, but she's otherwise really fun and competent, and I really love me a story with female friendships.

- The Villainess Reverses the Hourglass - HOLY SHIT I BINGED THE LIGHT NOVEL OF THIS IN 36 HOURS IT IS SO GOOD and the manhwa is also pretty good! The main character is the daughter of a prostitute who has married into a count's family; she has been vain and foolish all her life, and then attempts to poison her adopted sister, leading to her denouncement and public executiion. She prays for a second chance as she's getting executed, because her "angelic" sister tells her on the chopping block that her entire life has been set up for sabotage. So she basically goes back in time to when she's about 14, after she's become part of the noble family but nothing too serious has happened yet. And she reflects on her past life and what she knows will happen to TAKE REVEEEEENGE. Her friendships and relationships are all manipulative and weaponised in some fashion, and she denies a lot of her more tender feelings. She stays at 10 all the way until the end too. It's GLORIOUS. I LOVE THIS STORY SO MUCH. The fan translation I read wasn't great but even with the shitty translation it looks like the writing is quite strong by itself.

- Doctor Elise - this is a double-reincarnation story! The main character was a villainess traitor in her first life, got herself burned on the stake, reborn in the modern world, lived a whole life as a very accomplished doctor, dies in a plane crash mid-30s to find herself in her FIRST LIFE at around right before her engagment to the crown prince. She decides to break off the engagement and become a doctor in this life instead. Much feelings. Much anxiety about the revolution that happened in her previous life due to politics.

CONTEMPORARY stuff:

- I'm 30 and Have Fallen In Love For the First Time - just fluff about having a relationship for the first time at age 30. Someone in the comments was like "these people are a mess, even twelve-year-olds have their shit together better for their first time wtf" and I.... kinda agree!!!!

- Otome no Teikoku - high school girls, much gay stuff and high school drama, but there's a group of otaku characters who are HI-LA-RIOUS

- Lily Marble - WOMEN AT A GYM, much gay

- Thirty Years Old - disappointing gay sons, gays in the closet, gays out the closet, confused queer men coming to terms with being either gay or bi, straight-passing drama

- the Way of the House Husband - the yakuza-turned-househusband manga! IT'S VERY HILARIOUS. Basically every normal household chore gets ANTE'D UP as if he was still living the INTENSE YAKUZA LIFESTYLE. And his words get miscontrued because it's clear he was a gangster. There are also other former gangster characters now living 'regular' lives (one runs a waffle truck!! he and the househusband have an instagram-off) and it's all very silly and adorable.

I finished a tiny embroidery piece today! It's a double-sided lotus!

Initial process picture: https://www.instagram.com/p/CANiROygOeM/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

Another process pic, after I filled in the lightest pink: https://www.instagram.com/p/CAvLxndD73o/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
At this point I realised that I should have started from the lightest pink, because that was a feather stitch that could have been more naturally filled outwards from than starting from the edges. A lot of the time I found myself unsure which direction the stitches should have gone, and that would have been a simpler decision-making process if I started from the inner feather stitch first.

Final: https://www.instagram.com/p/CA1-JhIgSpB/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

I meant to add a bit more dimension to the stem with a different green, but I didn't quite grasp how to do that.

I'm gonna do something with a double-running stitch now for simplicity's sake! I'm gonna make the little white spirit from My Neighbour Totoro (which is called Chi-chi-ta in the Cantonese version).

well I've been having a shit month, or two, or however long it's been since I last blogged. I started out strong waking up at 4am, getting dressed in new clothes, and working for a good five hours before having a mid-afternoon nap. Somewhere along the way though, this half-sleep here, half-sleep there took a toll on my system, and I also lost focus, because living with my parents is extremely hard on my system, and I've lost more nights and days than I can keep track of. I haven't been able to write new words for a long time that's not an email. I've been logging fewer hours, partly because I don't have that much work to do, partly because my concentration is so shot. I did request my mother order fluoxetine but the result was she gave me so much shit and then tried to share her half-dose sertraline with me and when I said "no, I've tried it and it does not work" she got all very indignant like 'what! why not!' and i just... do not know how to explain to a pharmacist that not all medications work the same way for different people.

Instead I've been spending a lot of time reading manhwa on Manganelo, and read a couple of shitty translations of light novels which are far more entertaining and easier to read than most everything being recommended to me on the Anglophone market right now. My attention span for non-paying entertainment can be kept by short lines and pretty pictures, it turns out. If it ain't for work, I ain't reading more than a paragraph.

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The other day was the first day in what feels like months that I wrote some new fiction, and it's fanfic, but I'm pretty okay with that. I also finally started an AO3 account and dipping my feet in there, although I've never been much for deeply-engaged fandom, so I'm just posting some older works and re-reading old favourites.

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Lately I've been sleeping around 3am, waking at 11am, although I'm functional mostly in the afternoons and while the nighttime would be a good time to interface with people, it's a crapshoot whether I can. I've been a shitty WisCon concom member as a result, and scheduling delays are all my fault.

The Movement Control Order has been extended into June, and anyway US immigration services have been suspended regardless, plus it's not like Tachyon is re-opening the office anytime soon, so it's WFH still.

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My mother has been a giant fucking pill. She took it in her head to sew some new cushion covers, which for some reason became a DRAMA AND A HALF because she kept yelling at the maids to do the basting for her (she calls it "tagging" because that's how she learned it 30 years ago, so it took me some time to figure out what the hell she was talking about) and she had the maids do it to "save time" except of course, for all the time she's spent yelling at them, it would have been less time for her to do it herself.

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My room's a/c is broken! I've been sharing the a/c from my brother's room--we share a bathroom and walk-in closet (though the closet is blocked off on my side because he keeps storing stuff in there), so we just keep the closet doors open and he blows a fan into my room so I can get cool air. During the afternoons, if we're working in the dining room together, we'll turn on the a/c there too. It's a nice relief because the temps have been averaging 33'c - 36'c and it makes me so tired all the time (and is probably partly responsible for my jacked up sleep habits).

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As a family we've been watching movies or whatever in the living room together on Saturdays. So far we've watched the Phantom of the Opera broadcast, Saving Face (FINALLY!) and last weekend it was a Liver + Lung musical about 1860s Penang. My mother continues to be an awful spectator, but at least as a family we've been enjoying the shows. Saving Face in particular was a HUGE favourite: my dad and brother laughed a ton, and in general it's a charming movie, so yay! I love love love love it, huge thanks to glass_icarus who first posted about it way back when.

I've asked my brother to get the 1998 CATS musical, since my parents and I got to see the new movie in November but don't remember the old musical much. We'll watch that this weekend.

Bryan Thoa Worra suggested me as a potential reviewer for the LA Review of Books for Tash Aw's WE, THE SURVIVORS, and despite my misgivings (I'm not really into literary fiction, and I know nothing of Tash Aw's oeuvre) I accepted the opportunity! And here is it! I think I did an okay job despite not being good at reviewing litfic. I read a bunch of other review on the site to get a feel for how to talk about stuff. It's definitely nowhere near the level of awesome as Esther Allen's "Pies on the Windowsill of El Norte" (which if you have not yet read you should because it's AMAZING) but I did try to be as informative as I could about Malaysia while writing my review!

*GRUMBLE* OK so whatever happened with this temp onlay, is fucked up, because I can feel a sharp edge on it, and it has been poking me on the underside corner of my tongue the whole day. Eating on the one side pushing flesh against the sharp point, which causes swelling, which causes, sigh, even more friction, and I hate it. I'm going back tomorrow to the dentist to see if I can get it fixed immediately.

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I went swimming today and between check-in and check-out I took TWO HOURS, and I suspect that even though I'm doing good at 20 laps in the pool, I'm taking WAY too long. But I have no sense of how fast I'm swimming per lap?? Maybe I should get a Fitbit like my dad's, which can be used underwater (and also measures heartrate) and time myself.

I'm sticking to 20 laps in the pool! But as a bit of a milestone, I did two sets of ten, instead of breaking it up into 4 sets of 5, or 5 sets of 4, or whatever. It's still about an hour and a half, and I need to shave down that time. I can't keep adding laps and more time.