Reaching Out

There is this very long and painful thread over at Feministing wherein a survivor of an assault wrote in to ask for advice, since the assault has left her unable to enjoy sex with her boyfriend anymore, and her social life is completely ruined because her "friends" are complete and utter douchebags.

There's a lot of bandying around of "was it assault???? LEGALLY PERSONALLY FROM AN OBJECTIVE POINT OF VIEW SINCE WE ARE STRANGERS WE CAN TOTALLY TELL AND DEBATE OVER WHAT IS OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING VERY PERSONAL TO THIS PERSON." Frankly? I find that to be a lot of fucking noise. The problem with this isn't "we don't know the whole story" (what, so we don't need to know anything beyond "she's completely traumatized by some douchebag's taking advantage of her" to lend her support?) - "we don't know the whole story" already pre-supposes a set of conditions that not everyone can agree on. We can't we let victims work through it and help them name what happened to them themselves. I was once in a situation which could be called assault, but I don't name it that. It makes me feel better to be able to call the shots on what's happened in my own life. It would be irritating to have someone else butt in and say "OF COURSE IT WAS. YOU HAVE TO DO A, B AND C NOW".

There's also a lot of bandying of individual responsibility when drunk. Look, if you know you're out of control when you're drunk, it's probably a bad idea to be drinking. Also a bad idea to be around other people who drink. But you probably already know that, so whatever. It doesn't cancel out the fact that bad shit happened to you that was out of your control due to someone else's douchebaggery. (Also, it should be noted that a) she was harangued to drink, despite the caveat she presented already, and b) the "just say no" thing? Try doing that when you're surrounded by people you're supposed to trust who keep telling you otherwise and get cross with you when you don't.) And everyone else who's saying "well, you do have to admit to some responsibility to the situation because you drank, and since you consented to the drinking, you consented to anything that happened next" - buddies, she doesn't have to admit to doing something she didn't fucking want to do in the first place and ended up doing because, hey, guess what! She was drunk! I subscribe to the idea of "enthusiastic participation", if not just "enthusiastic consent", sober, authentic, honest, un-pushed for.

Anyways, that's not the biggest problem I have right now.

My problem is with the idea that "when you're out drinking, you're responsible for yourself, and your friends are not responsible for your actions." There is this idea that "you're an adult, you can't expect your friends to police and monitor your own actions, you should be doing it yourself." This said without a trace of irony, even though many of us go out partying with people we feel safe with, which is why we picked them in the first place. This underlying idea said, even though we trust our friends to look out for us and help us.

Listen, if you're out partying with a friend whom you know gets out of control because she drinks too much? It is, indeed, your fucking business to make sure she doesn't get into trouble for it. If you know she has the tendency to drink too much and is making visible effort not to? It is, indeed, your fucking business to help her monitor her drinks. If you notice someone else trying to pressure her into drinking when she clearly doesn't want to? It is, indeed, your fucking business to tell that someone else to fuck right the hell off. If she's drinking anyway and you know she might do something she'll regret later? It is, indeed, your fucking business to make sure she gets out of the situation as safely as possible.

And frankly? If you're choosing to hang out with other people and making sure everyone has a great time, it is, indeed, your fucking business to make sure everyone is safe (not just feels safe) and to accomodate any desire of theirs to not want to participate in your own form of fun. If they don't want to dance, and they walk off the floor when you try to get them to, you carrying on dancing while keeping an eye on them. If they don't want to drink, stop harrassing them to drink (yes, this has happened to me before, and it's a pain in the ass. Ah, but I'm lucky - most people end up drinking anyway and regret it).

If you DIDN'T want to ruin your own fun by having to help your friend out? You should have chosen not to hang with such a party-pooper in the first goddamn place and found someone else who wouldn't impinge on your own drunken fun.

It is seriously not that hard.

Part of being friends is taking care of each other. This is not about policing our friends. This is not about monitoring their every action and taking notes and ruining their fun. This is not about playing a parent. This is not about giving up our own fun, either. One assumes that if you want to get together with friends, the point is to create happy memories.

It is already unfortunate enough for a lot of us that the people we thought we know and trust turn out to be complete and utter douchebags who can't be arsed about your personal safety and well-being. It is bad enough that many of us find that the people we consider our friends are not, not really. It is bad enough many people find themselves violated, manipulated, lied to, and/or otherwise hurt by people we considered close to us.

If you can't, or won't, take at least a bit of responsibility and DO something in these situations you KNOW might end up dangerous for people should one of you guys get out of control, then you bear some blame for any fallout in the aftermath of the whole sordid affair.

I know we live in some fuck-assed "individualistic" society where people apparently look out only for themselves - that doesn't make it ideal, and since we know it isn't, we ought to all be making sure we play our part.

Just, ugh, I can't believe that this is even an issue. But I see it SO MUCH, I can't not say anything about it.

So there's this thread on Pandagon about a rather douche-y list made by some dude who thinks he's funny on "10 Things Guys Wish You Knew". My first reaction was, "if guys wanted us to know why the hell don't they just fucking say so?" Anyways, the discussion eventually got hardboiled into a debate on the (de)merits of makeup.

( And here are my thoughts on it. )

Quote from Patrick Stewart in 2004, for an international campaign against violance against women:

"The entertainment industry has been extremely irresponsible in perpetuating and stereotyping the violent attitudes of men to women," said Stewart, best known for his portrayal of Captain Jean-Luc Picard in Star Trek.

"I condemn utterly films like Kill Bill. We are told it is about empowering women. All it does is empower a woman to kill other women."


Rosario Dawson on her discomfort at her Grindhouse character's complicity in a rape:

Dawson says, "I talked to Quentin about it several times, because I had a huge problem with leaving her there: 'I don't leave that girl behind, I love that girl, we're friends.' "Quentin says, 'No,' (and) I say, 'Can I throw her the keys to the car?' and he says, 'No, you can't, that's not how it's going to work.' I was like, 'Damn!'" Co-star ROSE McGOWAN also tasted Tarantino's controlling nature: "I couldn't change the word 'the'."


I like stylized violence, which is why I own the Hellsing TV series and Trigun, but I remember seeing bits of Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill and not being able to enjoy the senseless violence due to the other stuff I saw, just couldn't put my finger on why. So nice to know I'm not the only one ick-ed out.

Damn it, eiko82, you were right, he HAS been let out way too fucking early.

Fuck you, Kyle Payne.

Urgh.

Didn't he even say he wouldn't blog until "the feminist community" had welcomed him back or something? WTF?

Urgh.

Patriarchy does.

So if patriarchy isn't about oppressing "thy neighbor's wife nor his cattle nor his manservant nor his maidservant nor anything that is thy neighbors" then what *is* it really about?

I'm going to say it's all about controlling other men. Using women as collateral, bait, status symbols, bribes, rewards, and just general all around leverage. Oh, and of course scapegoats (it's Teh Feminists, they're in ur officz, dilutin' ur pay raises!)

So that's what I mean when I say "worse."

What I mean when I say that might be worse in a productive way is... guys, you really want to play that game? You think patriarchy works for you? You think you can come out ahead? That you could ever "score" enough pussy? "Get lucky" enough? "Win" the hand of the fairest maiden? Get some father to "give away" the best bride?

No, even if you play that game you're not going to come out ahead.

Which is why, I figure, that feminism isn't anything like as big a threat to men as anti-feminism is... as patriarchy is.

Sure, they act ticked off -- you would too if you realized your designated role in life was to have your ass dangled in front of some tool to keep him in line. So the question there isn't why are *they* ticked off at patriarchy, it's why aren't more *men* ticked off at it -- the way we ought to be when we realize our designated role in life is to keep in line in hopes of getting what's dangled in front of us. *Especially* when, for the most part, if that wasn't the game... if the system wasn't almost entirely about making you think sex is scarce because women aren't available except as a reward... then we'd all of us -- men *and* women -- would almost certainly end up having, and *enjoying* sex... with our *fun, cool, human equals* and not other men's *assets*, a lot more often.

Just sayin'

OMG I love this man.

I just finished reading Herland, by Charlotte Perkins Gilman.

What a brilliant book. So ahead of its time. Shit, so ahead of OUR time.

It's a bit like reading Real Adult Sex, what with the beautifully feminist narrative in a male voice questioning masculinity values with that keen intellectual tone.

What a brilliant setting: a country of people who work together, in tandem, for self-improvement and the improvement of the community - for the higher education of the children to ensure they have the best start possible in life, and the happiest lives ahead of them. A country in which children are of paramount importance, and each child grows up with so many choices ahead of them to cheerfully work towards. A place where industry is happiness, and everything is so fluid, things change as soon as they are no longer practical. A world where women have forgotten how to fear and treat men as equals, loving men for who they are, rather than for what they can give. Where children set about live from their parents, not for, and in service to the next generation, not the generations gone before.

And yet inexplicably, a place where women long to see Fatherhood in place, equal with the greatness of Motherhood, and willing to accept males into their world to see that ideal realized, even if it takes forever.

What a curious book, especially if you take into consideration the following:

Gilman wrote the Yellow Wallpaper to depict how hard post-partum depression was on her. Granted, the motherhood wasn't the problem: the men were.

She gave up her daughter to the care of her ex-husband and his new wife (the three of them were great friends despite the divorce) so she could focus on social activism and STILL provide her daughter with the stability a child needs.

In a sense, Herland is like an extension of her action. And though it stigmatized her back then, why shouldn't it work now? We know the nuclear family isn't economically sustainable. We know educating children from young, stimulating their minds, by playing with them or reading with them, gives them the best possible start in life. We know that having extended family around enables them to have a great cushion in childhood.

And Herland covers that and so much more. I mean, one could see this gender-neutral nation as a nation of both men and women, once we give up notions of proprietry and ideals of marriage, division between the public and the private.

Shit, this novella was miles ahead of Victorian ideals, and frankly, it's still miles ahead of us. We got a lot of work to do, everybody.

I was meandering around the Internetz like I normally do and came across this link, an essay on why women possibly empathize with Sarah Palin, and in this, the writer, Judith Warner, draws a comparison between Palin and Elle Woods, from the Legally Blonde movies. I've only ever seen the first one, and it happens to be one of my feel-good movies.

Warner writes: "You don’t have to be female to suffer from Impostor Syndrome either — I learned the phrase only recently from a male friend, who puts a darned good face forward. But I think that women today — and perhaps in particular those who once thought they could not only do it all but do it perfectly, with virtuosity — are unique in the extent to which they bond over their sense of imposture.

...

The “Legally Blonde” fairy tales spin around the idea that, because Elle believes in herself, she can do anything. Never mind the steps that she skips. Never mind the fact that — in the rarefied realms of Harvard Law and Washington policymaking — she isn’t the intellectual equal of her peers. Self-confidence conquers all! (“Of course she doesn’t have that,” said Laura Bush of Palin this week when asked if the vice presidential pick had sufficient foreign policy experience. “You know, that’s not been her role. But I think she is a very quick study.”)"

The last paragraph is what bugs me the most: It implies that Elle Woods got to the point where she did at the end of the movie... by faking it.

And you know what? She didn't. She got to where she did through sheer effort, hard work, and a bit of tacky comedy.

I love Elle Woods. She undergoes some harsh realities and transforms from a silly, self-centered love-struck girl into a woman using what comes naturally to her to win her case. At the beginning of her law school term, she snubs the ones she considers the outcasts and freaks whom she wouldn't be caught dead with in high school, only to find out that this ISN'T high school, and her lack of intellectual capacity makes HER a freak. That was the first point for me in liking her; she's the HS freak who is, for all intents and purpose, too stupid to be where she is. I empathized with that, because I've been there. I've been in the position where people are nice to me only so they can mock me (like how Elle is invited to a "costume party" only to be mocked for showing up as a Playboy Bunny). I've been in positions where the teacher asks me pointed questions just to show how unprepared I am. From that point on, Elle is one of the "little guys".

But through it all, Elle doesn't come off as FAKE. She genuinely gets upset by these outcomes where her sense of entitlement gets her in trouble. Unlike Palin, Elle isn't sheltered from the consquences of her ignorance, her privilege, her sense of entitlement, and lack of intellectual capacity. She is derided, mocked, and sent out of class on her first day. She is dumped for being a "dumb blonde".

But the great thing about Elle is that she doesn't let this get her down. From the start of the movie, she resolved to do whatever she can to get her man back, even if it means taking on this momentous, ultra-boring task of becoming his intellectual equal. Within the first act, Elle is seen studying for the SATs. She confuses her friends by sitting in her room surrounded by books, reading them intently, and studying her way, rather than seducing anybody, to get the scores she needs to get into law school.

The costume party is another turnaround point for her - she realizes that these people are NOT going to accept her because she's not part of their special little intellectual elite. Does she pack her bags and go home? NO! She hits the books, hardcore: she reads in bed with her pet dog, she has her manicurist quiz her, she takes the books with her to the gym...

More interestingly, she starts answering questions in class. It takes quite a bit of courage to be the one always putting your hand up first in class, but she does it, making up for her first-day flub. Palin, on the other hand, isn't proving her mettle by putting herself out there; she allows the McCain campaign to shunt her away from the press, and when she does have press interviews, she's clearly not doing her fucking homework. Look, if the media's fucking MOCKING me about the fact that I have no foreign policy experience, the LAST thing I'm going to do is appear ignorant about it, and the FIRST thing I'd do is study my fucking ass off to make sure I know what the hell I'm talking about. Elle would do it.

So Elle gets to be one of the top 5 in the class chosen to assist her professor in an actual lawsuit. And she LOVES it. She finds that she no longer finds her ex to be the center of her universe and revels in the joy of an achievement she attained all by herself, through her own efforts, an achievement that is prestigious and even BETTER than being married to a rich man's son. OK, this doesn't have much to do with Palin, but I wanted to point out how awesome this is.

Another difference between Palin and Elle? PALIN IS MEAN! And she doesn't even feel bad about it! Elle snubs the outcast guy at the beginning, but later on, while passing by him, sees him trying to ask another girl out, and is being blown off. She takes a few steps away, stops, turns around, and proceeds to make a fuss as if he's some hotshot awesome fuck who didn't call her back. She walks away again, getting him a date, and she has a small satisfied smile on her face. (Later, he helps her out in the courtroom.) She never does anything to really ruin anybody, and she certainly doesn't go out of her way to hurt people. Palin tried to get a librarian fired because said librarian refused to ban books for her, and I'm sure you've read a little bit about Troopergate. WTF?

Elle didn't get by with "native intelligence" and "self-confidence"; she studies hard, fighting back against the reputation she has as a self-absorbed, flighty Barbie doll who shouldn't be at Harvard. And when Callahan hits on her, she's genuinely horrified that for all her hard work, sense of integrity and quick thinking, she's still seen as nothing more than a sex object: the Playboy Bunny of the party. Palin is a GOVERNER... and she touts herself as a hockey mom?? Who never had high ambitions in the first place? What the eff?? Elle WANTED to be on Callahan's team, and she GOT there by wanting it bad enough to do the necessary work; she doesn't take it for granted. Palin just gets picked out of the blue and dismisses it as a fluke with a toss of her hair. Just. Ugh.

Elle is so upset by being seen as nothing but a pretty face she even quits. And why the hell wouldn't she? She fought so hard, and all that effort is dismissed because she could be patronized to and treated like an inferior. So she quits, angry and hurt. Palin is being sheltered, patronized to, touted as physically gorgeous as if that was all that matters... and she doesn't show any annoyance at that. And she should.

(And let's not forget Elle's funny-ass video essay: "I feel comfortable using legal jargon in everyday life" - someone wolf-whistles - "I OBJECT!" Small thing, I know, but obviously she doesn't approve of someone wolf-whistling at her, just as women shouldn't in general.)

Sarah Palin isn't stupid... she's a governer, for chrissakes. But she's nothing like Elle Woods - Palin's brand of confidence borders on the arrogance of Bush, and her speeches betray a blind faith in God that's uncomfortably familiar. She allows herself to be kept out of sight, and even if she believes she deserves the veep position, she certainly isn't showing that she truly does.

Elle Woods may have intended to be some sort of "self-confidence wins the day" fairytale from Hollywood, but her valedictorian (!!!) speech makes it clear how she really got to where she did: Passion. Not just decency, not just self-confidence, not just ignoring the dumb pricks who keep you down - but wanting something badly enough for itself that you drive yourself to achieve it. She got some help along the way, of course, because it's not like anybody could go it alone, but she took their advice, heeded their words, and came out better for it.

So, Sarah Palin =! Elle Woods.

I'm going to admit that one of the reasons I felt moving out of the Spring Garden Awesome Apartment was because I was watching WAY too much TV.

In my defense, TV was actually really awesome. I got in touch with my inner child a lot through Family and Cartoon Network, PLUS, the cartoons also appealed to me as a young woman. AND an Asian minority.

Case in point, The Life And Times of Juniper Lee. Juniper is a young, pubescent teen coming into her powers as the new guardian of the spiritual demon realm, which she inherited from her grandmother (and the powers skipped a generation). The rest of her family is oblivious to this, besides her younger brother. This show, of course, shares a great deal of similarities to American Dragon, except that the protagonists have different genders (and Juniper's all human with no transformation skillz. She just kicks a lot of butt the way she is).



The family is Cantonese - even speaks it occasionally, and it's not even random Chinese-sounding gibberish - it's ACTUAL CHINESE, in an actual accent (not faked!) which I was very impressed with.

Elie came over one day while Juniper Lee was playing, and the episode in question was one where Juniper discovers the animals at a zoo are actually assorted demons trapped for their spiritual power. She finds this out because she realizes she can speak to the animals. In particular, the camels. Her ditzy friend immediately says, "OH I LOVE camels!! I think I'll call THAT one Nathanial!"

And the camel says indignantly, "My name's not NATHANIAL! It's CLIVE! Do I LOOK like a Nathanial to you? AMERICANS!"

You guessed it - in a ridiculously flamboyant-gay tone of voice. Later, after they've transformed back, the ensuing exchange occurs:

"Be honest with me: that hump made me look fat, didn't it?"
"Oh, but you carried it SO well, darling!"

I'm not sure, but I still feel that it was a bit of an insinuation that these two characters were meant to be gay. And, well, that happening in a kid's cartoon? That's very impressive. It's not perfect, since it's over-the-top, but it's better than rendering them invisible.

Then there was Atomic Betty, Galactic Girl. I didn't watch this one consistently, but like Juniper, Atomic Betty is the main character. She's surrounded by a ton of male supporting characters, but there're also a LOT of female supporting characters, too. (One of her best friends turns out to be a princess hiding on Earth... the younger sister of said best friend turns out to be the bodyguard who hijacks Betty's ship to save the princess. Passes the Bechdel test, right there.)



And seriously, how can I NOT like the song? It's got a great guitar riff, and the lyrics kick ass:
Atomic Betty, she's a fighting girl!
Atomic Betty, gonna rock your world!
Atomic Betty, Atomic Betty, Atomic Betty,
Atomic Betty, a galactic girl!
Atomic Betty, gonna save the world!
Atomic Betty, Atomic Betty, Atomic Betty...

OH, and let's not forget Totally Spies? The valley-girl accent was fucking ridiculous, the shopping is stupid and nuts, the general lack of PoC (besides Alex, but there aren't a whole lot of PoC being represented otherwise) is disappointing - but it also rocked on the girl power side of things!



For some reason their fathers are never mentioned; there's really only one male character who plays the Charlie-esque role (but I never got the sense he was ever patronizing, I actually rather liked his avuncular personality), and turns out they have a "spy gene" inherited from their MOMS. Yeah. Moms and daughters kick ass in this series.

Speaking of kickass cartoon heroines, I just want to finish this with Kids Next Door. I always found the premise dumb (kids vs adults, ftw) but it's definitely creative, funny, and silly. (Seriously, the different grades have different cultures... which isn't too far off the mark if you think about it.)



(I couldn't find the original intro; this is the Latino version - there actually isn't anything said in the intro.)

I liked this series also because it tries to represent other countries as well. It's still American-centric, but the main cast is also varied: one American boy (obviously the leader), one British-type boy, one Japanese girl (appropriately named Kuki, wtf), one Australian lad, and one kick-ass black girl (mother is French-speaking, probably a Cajun-type, dad is Bill Cosby-esque and sounds it). Obviously, the latter kicks the most ass. The leader of the main base in outer space (the Moon Base) is also a girl. There was an amusing episode about cooties, in which the nerd-boys in the Sea Base are the stereotypical basement nerds who don't know how to talk about girls, and Number 4 (the Aussie kid) comes out after having been in contact with "Specimen 1" (a girl who giggles and says, "I LIKE YOU!") with puffy lips. The boys run away and resolve to blow up the base, and Number 5 (kick-ass black gal) smacks her forehead and says, "THIS is what happens when Numbah Four forgets that he is ALLERGIC TO COCONUT! Cooties do NOT exist!"

Some serious funny stuff there, folks - the pains and anxieties of growing up, all sillified for ostensibly children's consumption, but anybody undergoing the transitioning period from childhood to adulthood can totally relate.

And the giant robots are awesome too.

(There's also the Proud Family, but that's another post for another day.)

Okay, this is really just me jumping on the FUCK YOU KYLE PAYNE bandwagon, and I've gone through every other post written by just about everybody else, just to see if they've missed anything.

The long story short, Kyle Payne, a so-called male feminist, ally, rape crisis counsellor, residence life officer and all assorted glowing little things that prove he's a Good Guy, sexually assaulted an unconscious student. Lots of shit has been flung at this point. And it's only recently that he underwent trial for his actions. There's also talk about his having pornography (child porn, even) in his possession, and I do not even WANT to know whether he got off on hearing the stories of the women he had been "counselling".

But wait! Kyle felt the need to defend himself, to show the truth about himself! To be "open and honest", because we, his beloved female audience, deserve to know what he's currently going through! And what he went through, with that initial sexual assault.

I shall paraphrase it to you, and you can find it if you google him because I don't feel like linking to this clusterfuck, and his message basically runs like this (implications of his statements in brackets):

I want to explain my shit, and I would really appreciate feedback and questions! [I would like to butter up some sympathy for my sorry ass!] I was told to escort this drunk and almost unconscious student back to her dorm, and I did. [Give me a cookie, I did my job!] While she was laying there unconscious, I got this irresistible urge to touch her boobie! And I did! I filmed it and stuff. It was only a few seconds, I swear! [The Evil Patriarchy Made Me Do It OMG!] I'm so sorry, I hope she's okay and stuff, and I'm sorry to everybody else! I hope you all will forgive me! [Hopefully if I grovel enough you will take pity on my pathetic ass and ask for a lighter sentence!] Everyone's so SHOCKED at me for having done what I did, and I can't even tell you why I did it! [The Evil Patriarchy Made Me Do It OMG and I Am Incapable of Taking Responsibility!] I've been undergoing some therapy, and turns out I have issues leftover from childhood, which I tried to make up for by working sooooooo hard on helping other people, but I guess I'm not totally over it! In fact, all my advocacy work made me worse! [I'm fucked up! My fucked-upness is to blame for my fuck-up!] No matter what I've studied, turns out that I Didn't Confront The Patriarchy Enough! [Not my fault! It's the Patriarchy's fault!] My life has sucked since this: I couldn't go to graduation, I can't get a decent job now, I've been banned from campus, now everyone else looks at me suspiciously. [Because I TOTALLY DO NOT THINK I DESERVE THIS JUST FOR VIOLATING SOMEBODY'S BOOBIE, K? Haven't I suffered enough??] This is now a chance for me to really transform myself and learn my lesson! [Because obviously, respect for other humans, dignity, and the general ability to leave the room when I felt the urge to do something bad was not something I learnt.] Even worse, now I'm disallowed from helping people, and I feel like committing suicide because no one trusts me anymore. [It's all your fault for making me feel like wanting to die! Stop persecuting me!] And some pro-pornie has been promoting a smear campaign against me, making me look worse than I actually am. [Because all I did was expose and film a girl's breast for my enjoyment, omgwtf's so wrong with that?] I would like anybody and everybody to e-mail me to discuss... well, to discuss me! [Because obviously *I* am SO IMPORTANT!] I shall now refrain from posting about feminist issues, even if I do identify as feminist, until I'm welcomed back to the feminist community. [Because although what I did was horrifyingly ANTI-feminist, misogynist, and dehumanizing, obviously the things I've done warrants a parade when I have finally redeemed myself!]

Firstly, WHERE THE HELL DOES BUDDY GET OFF THINKING HE'S EVER GOING TO BE WELCOMED BACK INTO ANY FEMINIST COMMUNITY AFTER WHAT HE'S DONE??????????????? Talk about male entitlement! Talk about shithead privilege! Talk about dense and stupid!

Secondly, I would like to draw attention to exactly what he wrote with regards to the encounter, because it's fucking priceless:

On January 3, 2007, I was invited to assist an intoxicated female student at Buena Vista University in Storm Lake, Iowa. Following my responsibilities as a resident advisor, I looked after this student in her dorm room to ensure her safety and evaluated whether or not medical attention was necessary. Fortunately, medical attention was not necessary. However, as I will explain, some of my actions while assisting the student were harmful and inappropriate.

While caring for the female student, I felt a sudden impulse to expose her breast. Not knowing how to deal with this feeling at the time – and to put it more clearly, not knowing how to make sense of such an urge, given my personal values and my politics – I acted upon it. With a digital camera I kept with me regularly, I briefly photographed and took a few seconds of video of the woman’s breast. She did not consent to this act, nor did she have any knowledge of it at the time. This event ended as quickly as it began, leaving me in a state of disbelief at what I had done.

Look at what he put into bold. Look at the words "briefly", and "a few seconds". You know what this is? A dog-whistle into our subconscious, to make us think, "well, gosh darn! It couldn't have been THAT bad, it was just a few seconds of her life that her boobie was filmed for some asshole's entertainment without her consent!"

Then look at the first two sentence of that second paragraph I quoted: I felt a sudden impulse to expose her breast. Not knowing how to deal with this feeling at the time – and to put it more clearly, not knowing how to make sense of such an urge, given my personal values and my politics – I acted upon it.

BUDDY, EVERY NORMAL HUMAN BEING GETS THIS *IMPULSE* FROM TIME TO TIME. It's pretty normal sexual psychology. Obviously, Kyle here is being ingenuous by claiming "I didn't know what to do!" Can you honestly believe that bullshit? This here creature worked as a rape crisis counsellor, for chrissakes. Did studies on feminist theory, for chrissakes. For all that academic theorizing, he couldn't come up with a practical course of action that didn't involve violating her? FER REAL?

If you believe that kind of bullshit, you're either very naive, or very stupid. Lots of people get that kind of feeling all the time. Even if we DO get confused about how we feel, the last thing we generally do is ACT ON IT. USUALLY, WE LEAVE THE SITUATION ASAP.

Please, Mr. Payne. We feminists are cleverer than your misogynist brain obviously thinks we are.

We do NOT need your help in our community. Rest assured, whatever work you have done is completely debunked based on what you have done that proves you CANNOT be trusted. Hell, all the work you've done is now in suspect. You were NOT THAT VALUED that we will accept you back into our community, much less WELCOME you.

All I see in this letter is a snivelling pathetic coward who, a long time ago, figured, "better to ask forgiveness than to ask permission."

I see this attitude a LOT. And I have to say, IT FUCKING BUGS ME. There are certain times when I can see how it applies, but too often, "forgiveness before permission" is used and abused in so many ways, and KYLE PAYNE IS ABUSING IT RIGHT NOW.

If he had truly felt sorry for what he had done, RIGHT AFTER THE INCIDENT, IN JANUARY 2007, he would have taken himself to a counsellor, or to the police, confessed what he did, and asked for therapy right then and there. NOT when it's all being aired out like this. NOT when he finally got caught for the liar he is. No, he probably thought that, if the day every comes when he got caught, all he had to do was write a carefully written letter that says everything the public probably wants to hear from an assailant, and ask for forgiveness.

He claims he wants to take responsibility for what he's done. Well, I don't see it in his letter. I see someone trying to scrape up enough sympathy for a lighter sentence. If he truly wanted to own what he did, he would willingly go to jail, and take the harshest punishment.

But no, he wants to ingratiate himself back to where he was. No, never, no way, nuh-uh, F.O.D.

Again, Ren has a shitload of links to others who have different takes on this fucker. I suggest them. Very good reading for a slow night. My particular favourite is Jeff Pack's, since he takes apart the entire post.



*I can't claim this one. PhysioProf said somewhere, "My day is complete when wackaloons go wackadoodle", and Screaming Lemur quoted it on her blog. It was kind of hard not to resist using it.

So, castusalbuscor, jdp17 and myself went to see Mamma Mia tonight. I wasn't too looking forward to it because the basic premise of the movie sounded really stupid: girl's gonna get married, wants her father to give her away, so she has to figure out who he is. Riiiiiiiight... you're off to celebrate a new beginning in your life and you need your absent dad to give you away? That's lame, so not-empowering, and decidedly unfeminist. So yeah, the ABBA songs were what I went for...

( WARNING: SPOILERS GALORE! )